The Douche Pickle Discussion

When girls get together to gossip there are no holds barred. Pretty much anything is up for discussion. Guys, you've probably heard about this and it's one thing that is 100% true (and yes, we do talk about size). We might also bring up your third nipple, Transformers tattoo, how you had something in between your teeth at dinner, that you use the word 'pumpkin' or 'schnookums', that you were clung to us like a dryer sheet by the fifth date, and everything else you hoped stayed a secret. It's just what girls do.

But lately, in my circle of friends, the conversation always winds up about douche pickles. Since we have so much fun talking about them, I thought I'd share the terminology with you.

Generally speaking, a douche pickle (or DP) is a guy who acts a fool. But this can be broken down into different categories. There are guys who act a fool because of you. This type of DP makes a fool of himself because he is really into you. Then there are guys who act a fool repeatedly because they are just not good guys. This type of DP is more deceptive and if you're not careful can wind up making a fool out of you.

I seem to have more of a problem with the deceptive DPs. The ones who charm you, get to know you, and only when they have you completely convinced that they're a good guy, you are hit with DP behavior. I know DPs are never boyfriend material, but a lot of times they're too cute to resist.

Examples of DP behavior that have happened to me and/or friends of mine recently:

• keeping you secret from friends/family
• only hanging out on your side of town
• having a 'girlfriend'
• 4-5 days without any sort of communication and no clear explanation why
• picking you up for dinner, paying and then specifically not using the word "date"
• calling you on Thursday night to make plans for the weekend and expecting you to be free
• making comments about your guy friends
• criticizing the way you wear your hair, decorate your apartment or organize your shoes
• not calling 'the day after'

I could go on, but I think you're getting the picture. Now you know when to properly use the phrase and can have as much fun as we do saying the words 'douche pickle'!

Girls, do you and your girlfriends use any other fun phrases when talking about guys?

Guys, don't be offended, I know you're not all DPs ;)


"And then I said to that DP..."

A Sign?

I come back to blogging after over a month of quiet. Ready to write my heart out. And then? We are hit with the remnants of Hurricane Ike and I have been without power at home since 4 p.m. on Sunday. Are the powers that be trying to tell me something?

I am beginning to wonder.

Well, screw them. No power, air-dried hair, and stubbed toes from running into walls in the dark will not keep me from blogging.

Other signs lately? A proposition from a married man in need of a mistress.

I wish I was kidding.

I thought I was ready for a committed relationship. You know, exclusive. Using the term boyfriend and girlfriend. Giggling, cuddling, and obnoxious PDA galore. I finally snagged someone who wanted that too. And all of a sudden I changed my mind. Committed? Who, me? Ready to stop dating anyone else? Wait, does that mean the volleyball hotties are off limits? Ready to trust a guy and know that I won't get hurt again (restating sign from earlier: a married man hitting on me WHILE WEARING HIS WEDDING RING)?

That last one? You got me. I'm not ready in the slightest.

Maybe I'm having too much fun?
Quite possibly.

Maybe I like having options?
Hell, yes. There are a few things I'm not willing to give up just yet.

But more importantly, I don't trust anyone. Yeah, thanks for screwing that one up. This may take awhile.

I'm Not Gonna Write You A Love Song

From my last post (and part 2 that is coming soon), you've probably gathered I've had to break off a few "relationships" lately. Some of you have asked me (after seeing certain Facebook status messages) to share my methods.

Last fall, when I was single for the first time in a long time, I had absolutely NO clue how to end things appropriately with someone I was just casually dating. I've since had some practice and have a few guidelines that I follow, appropriate or not... I'm sure you'll tell me (especially the few male readers I have).

1. The Fade Away: This is when you completely stop responding to all communication, hoping the guy will eventually get the hint that you aren't interested in pursuing a relationship anymore. It's not the nicest thing to do, but if there is no emotional connection it's sometimes the easiest.
   
   My rule of thumb: I only do this with guys I've had one date with. It has the potential to severely backfire otherwise.
   
   
2. The Text Message: I believe this is an acceptable way to end things with someone you've had only a few dates with, and also have used text messaging as a means of communication with before. If he sends you a message about getting together again sometime, the Fade-Away would be pretty rude considering you've been out more than once, which is normally perceived as being interested. So, the polite thing to do is to let him know that you aren't feeling it anymore. It can be tricky because you're normally limited to 160 characters. Keep it short, simple and to the point.
   
   My drafted response: I'm not really feeling a spark between us that should be there at this point. I hope you understand. Take care.
   
   
3. The E-Mail: I find this to be the best approach when you find you get nervous or can't say what you really mean when face-to-face. Or, when you know you wouldn't be able to go through with it if you saw them in person again.
   
   Courtesy of my IBFF:
   
   Dear ______,
   
   I wanted to thank you again for the __(insert date location and activity here)___ the other night. It has been great getting to know you these past few (weeks, hours, days - pick one.) I do, however, feel that our connection is more of a friendship than a romance. Perhaps I am being presumptuous, and you may have felt that way too? Either way, thank you again, and I wish you the best.
   
   Sincerely,
   ________
   
   
4. In Person: Yes, if you've been seriously dating and have an emotional connection with them, it is the right thing to do to break-up face-to-face. Do you really want to be perceived as a cold, heartless bitch?

Have anything to add? Share your methods in the comments if you want.


Disclaimer: If the guy has been a complete and total asshole, there is no need to follow any of the above guidelines. In fact, knee him right in the family jewels. That should send the message loud and clear. (Only kidding!) ... ;)

And So Are The Days Of My Life :: A Dating Update, As Promised, Part One

Many of my friends would describe my life right now as a soap opera. In other words, filled with drama. You know what I think? I have a lot of great stories to keep them entertained. What can I say, I like to think positively.

So you guys want to be filled in now don't you? We shall call this stage in my life "dating post-RollerCoaster-ex Round Two".

I don't know about you guys, but after a break up I tend to be a creature of habit. Calling someone I've dated before, feel comfortable enough to hang out with again. This time around it was FF. Do you remember him? Well, I reconnected with him shortly after my break-up. Even now, I find us sending texts back and forth every couple days. It's just a fun, flirty "relationship" that will never go anywhere. But it makes you feel good just to know someone thinks you're attractive. Especially after someone else just kicked your ass to the curb.

About a month went by before I was actually ready to start dating again. "Ready" might not be the right word, but that's what I'm going with. I went on a few first dates that crashed and burned. But they actually helped me get back on my feet and realize that I was ready to find someone I clicked with.

And that I did. On a first date with a rather adorable landscaper paramedic firefighter (yes-he-has-3-jobs) guy. We had plans for dinner. Conversation flowed rather well. I was really attracted to him (I could tell because I wouldn't shut up). When the check came he suggested a movie. I agreed. We ended up seeing one and getting in a round of mini-golf beforehand. It was a lot of fun. Effortless, really. I have never felt that comfortable with someone that quickly. When he put his hand on the small of my back or wrapped his arm around my waist, it felt... nice. A kiss ended the night and date #2 followed a few days later. Date #3 the following week and so on. He made time for me despite his busy schedule and I could tell he was really into me.

However, this guy I had such a nice connection with turned into The Critic. When visiting my place he criticized the color of my walls, the weeds growing around my patio, the (small) shoe pile by my back door, etc. Suddenly, it seemed like he didn't have anything nice to say. Phrases such as "I really like you" "Good morning beautiful" and "Do you miss me yet?" vanished into thin air. When you're dating someone new shouldn't the adorable I'm-trying-to-impress-you stage last a little longer than a few weeks? Thank god I read my dating manual, He's Just Not That Into You, and was able to call a spade a spade. There's nothing I can't stand more than a flake.

I really wish that great chemistry was a good enough reason to stick it out a little longer. Especially since you're always worried you'll never have that feeling again with someone new, so when you do, it's very reassuring. But you need something else to fall back on after over a month of (even casually) dating. After being so badly (i.e. recently) hurt by Roller Coaster ex, I was not willing to put my heart out on the line again for someone whose intentions I didn't fully trust. So I ended it before I went down the same path again.

I should have known after FF to never trust a man in uniform, but tell me, how can one resist?! If a guy ever tells me he's a firefighter again, I am going to have to politely excuse myself from the conversation. Why do they have to be so damn adorable?!


So, that is Part One of my recap but stay tuned! You definitely want to hear about the worst kisser in the history of the world...

And The Winner Was...

#2!



And I think it went over rather well...

Thanks guys!

Let's Play Dress Up

Hey ya'll I need your help!

I have a date tonight, and though I've breezed thru quite a few lately, I cannot decide for the life of me what to wear! Maybe it's the new hair, or maybe it's because I went shopping over the long weekend and have TONS of new options ;)

Things to keep in mind:

• Casual dinner date, think Max & Erma's/Olive Garden-esque
• It might rain, but will be in the high 80s
• I have red hair now! Will orange/pink clash?
• When we first met, I was wearing a dress so I'm sort of hesitant to wear one again. Silly?

Vote in the comments!

---

Option #1
Floral halter top, khaki capris and bronze thong sandals




Option #2
Black polka dot top, jean skirt and black belted sandals




Option #3
Bright green halter dress and tan heeled sandals




Option #4
Orange tube top, pink and orange plaid walking shorts and brown flip flops




Option #5
Floral blouse, brown dress capris and brown heeled sandals



So, what should I wear?


Also, Jesse?! DeAnna picked Jesse on the final episode of the Bachelorette!
Jason, if you're reading this, call me! ;)

Just Call Me Vixen

vix·en /ˈvɪksən/ [vik-suhn] –noun 1. a female fox.

---

Yes guys, I went red. And some of you know what that means...

The fierce, fiery Michelle is back in full force. Watch out!

The most common reaction from friends?

"What boy pissed you off this time?"

The reality?

It tends to attract more of them... ;)



What crazy things have you guys been up to lately?

Gay, Straight, Or Taken?

The age old question every single girl asks herself when she sees hottie material. (It's also a reality dating show on Lifetime, quite lame, but gets the point across.)

In the real world, it's not as simple as picking the straight available man, however. There are many sub-categories your potential suitor could fall into that parallel hiding his wedding ring in his back pocket. I will detail below a few I have encountered myself in recent dating escapades (all of which you will want to AVOID at all costs):

---

The wallflower: He's usually alone at the bar. Leaning against the wall, beer in hand, watching you from afar. He may shift positions to get closer to where you're seated. You smile, he winks. But when you make eye contact for too long he looks away, fearful that you may have caught him checking out your cleavage. When your friend makes a trip to the restroom, the empty chair... remains empty.

• Why you want to steer clear: If he can't grow a pair and actually TALK to you, who's going to be making all the moves in bed? Sounds like too much work if you ask me.

The smooth-talker: He brings his A-game round one. "You have a beautiful smile" is his leading line. Not lame, but not sleazy either. It's easy to fall for his quick wit and irresistible charm. By the end of the night, he thinks he has this one in the bag.

• Why you don't want to go back to his place: His A-game will only last that one round. The sweet compliments and tender kisses are out the window on date #2. He's the guy who likes to hit it and quit it. If you know what I mean...

The booty call: This guy will usually be with a bunch of friends at the bar. A crowd pleaser. Normally gathered around the pool table, arcade bowling machine or dart board. He'll ask you to join in, this way the whole group can flirt with you. He doesn't seem to mind that you're getting everyone else's attention.

• Why you shouldn't hand out the digits: This guy isn't interested in a serious relationship. He thinks you have a nice ass and would be fun to make out with. His calls will consistently come Sunday evenings after 10 p.m. or after a late night at the strip joint.

The extracurricular overachiever:: In conversation you find out that after his 9-5, he works a second job three times a week. He seems put-together, determined, with a good head on his shoulders. He then goes into detail about his many hobbies: biking, golf, hiking, the two softball leagues he plays for every week. How he barely has time for sleep, and comes home to Conan O'Brien every night.

• Why you shouldn't pencil him in for a date: Don't get me wrong, it's nice when your significant other has a life outside of you. If I didn't have my weekly date nights with Anna, happy hours with different friends, volunteer work or (soon-to-be) golf lessons, I would be a pretty boring person. But, with a life as jam packed as his seems, you will find it impossible to squeeze into his routine. And besides, where does sex fit in to that schedule of his? Dead last. RUN.

And finally,

The over-exaggerator: Constantly references his many "achievements". How he turned down Harvard to stay close to home and care for his elderly relative or neighbor. That he could have taken that fantastic corporate job right out of college that paid six figures, but it was his dream to Save Darfur.

• Why you should avoid a kiss from those tainted lips: With so many lies escaping that dirty mouth of his, how will you ever know where it's really been? And girls, if he's not being up front about something as simple as what he does for a living, should you believe it when he tells you he's pleased every woman he's ever been with? I think not.

---

Have any categories of your own to share?

Oh, and just in case you fear you won't be able to resist guys like the ones mentioned above due to their six pack abs, cute dimples, nice ass or fabulous head of hair; simply wear this t-shirt:



Because you're worth it ;)

I Put Out The Fire

As I'm sure some of you noticed, mention of FF and GQ came to a startling halt a few weeks ago. In summary, here's why:

After picking up on FF's Delete Radar capabilities it wasn't hard to figure out his ulterior motives. His charming but infrequent texts were sent merely as a reminder - "Hey Michelle, I still have your number saved in my phone and I will continue to text you as long as you respond." Yeah thanks, but no thanks. I relayed via text message a few weeks ago that I think we're just in two different places right now. He wanted a carefree, unattached "relationship". I wasn't looking for anything serious either, but wanted something a tad more ... meaningful. In other words, it was fun while it lasted. Message sent loud and clear. Or so I thought.

A week later another "Hey what are you up to?" text is received. Hopefully the lack of response on my end will clear things up this time around. I have a feeling he was testing me to see if I really meant what I said. Yes, yes I did. You, my friend, have been deleted!

Breaking things off with GQ wasn't quite as easy. He is a very nice guy that was very into me, but the feelings weren't mutual. There was no chemistry. No spark. And hell, I need spark! After a semi-disastrous date a few weeks ago, I had come to the conclusion that I wouldn't be seeing him again. I figured I would verbalize it the next time he called. Well, who knew it would take him two weeks?! I think he saw it coming and the random "Just saying hey" or "How was your weekend?" texts gave it away. But I just couldn't bring myself to tell him what I had to say via text. Why is that suddenly acceptable with our generation? I mean on Sex & the City, Carrie was broken up with on a post-it note. Isn't texting just as bad?! In the words of Stephanie Tanner, "How rude!"

Eventually the phone call did come. As awkward as it was, I feel so much better. A clean, honest break. Just what I was hoping for. It seems I'm getting pretty good at telling guys, I'm just not that into you.

In regards to my hott Saturday night date, I will reveal this much:

Chemistry. My god, the chemistry.

Time Warp

Hands clasped, one largely disproportionate to the other (both freezing).
Legs elevated, entwined.
Head resting gently on shoulder, just barely reaching.
Bodies close to keep warm.
Silence, although not the awkward kind.

Is this what it's like to feel 15 again?

The silence is broken, tickling has ensued.
Laughter fills the air.
Begrudgingly, a truce is made.
Sealed with a kiss.

Yes, I'm definitely 15 again.

The Post That Has Been Avoided For Far Too Long

I know a few of you have caught on to my [maybe not so] subtle hints and it's only fair to dish (a little).

Since the breakup I have managed to bring my confidence level back up to where it should be. Probably higher than it's ever been. I'm not trying to be cocky in saying that, it's just that my entire life I have never had high self esteem. No one I have dated has made me feel confident about myself. In fact, most of the time I felt insecure. Afraid they were going to leave me. When I was thrown back out into the dating world I was pretty damn nervous. Let's just say it didn't take long for my self esteem to be restored.

At first there was FF. A fling. And a fun one at that. But he just doesn't get it. A girl needs to feel wanted. Pursued. Randomly texting about sports teams, the 10 point buck you shot over the weekend, or what movie you're currently watching is not going to win her affection. She may answer the phone on her lunch hour when you call (because yes it was that much fun), BUT that does not mean the next time you text she will respond. Maybe try calling again. Maybe she'll answer. As stated in yesterday's post, there will be no stringing along.

Then there was the guy I just wasn't into. Now he did everything I've ever wanted a guy to do. Walking me out to my car, kissing me, asking when he could see me again. Following up the next day with a text restating what a good time he had. Calling. Just to talk. But there was no spark for me. No butterflies. Dammit I wish there would have been. He was a cute one.

And if you haven't guessed already, there is someone new. Another C in fact (Actually now that I think of it, all the guys I've dated have been C's. How weird is that?). We went out again last night. And guys there are butterflies! I want to keep this private for the time being, but here a few key points:

-he's gorgeous
-he laughs at my jokes
-he doesn't mind that I hate beer
-we talked for four hours on our first date and he still wanted a second one
-he's a gentleman
-he let me pick the movie
-he complimented my outfit
-he listens to me, and then brings up things I've said in later conversations
-did i mention he's gorgeous?

I'm optimistic, but guarded. I'm not going to rush into anything, but I sure have been in a good mood as of late. I'm hoping for fireworks. Stay tuned.

Excuses, Excuses

Reasons why I couldn't respond to another text from the FF last night:

I was...

• washing my hair
  
• getting a brazilian
  
• plucking my eyebrows
  
• taking a bubble bath
  
• talking to a guy who actually called me
  
• watching a Project Runway marathon
  
• gchatting
  
• filing my nails
  
• shaving
  
• vacuuming
  
• dusting every piece of furniture I own and all the crevices in between

Basically, I'll get back to you when I feel like it. Finally, the ball's in my court. Victory is sweet.

(So you guys don't think I'm a bitch - this guy has been pulling my strings for weeks. Calling when he feels like it. Usually texting. With nothing much to say. I don't know what you would do, but this girl refuses to be strung along. If you want to see me - call me. It's as simple as that.)

EDIT: So either he knows about my blog or he's psychic. Guess who called me on my lunch hour?! I don't understand men. At. all.

What mundane excuses have you used before?

The Delete Radar

After a Gchat discussion with my IBFF last night, she informed me of a technical dating term I wasn't aware of. Yes folks, the "Delete Radar". Ever heard of it? Well let me explain.

You see, you randomly meet a guy. Have a little fun. Exchange numbers. Some time goes by, no call. Since there really wasn't anything substantial behind this "relationship" you're kind of over it. Maybe you've even forgotten about him a little. Then a random phone call or text happens. You chat a little. Catch up. Start thinking "OK, maybe he was really busy. He seems like a nice guy after all." More time goes by. You're back to being over it. He may have even been demoted to oh I don't know "FF" in your phone list. Not even deserving of a name. As your finger is sternly placed over the delete button, ready to erase the contact number forever suddenly you have a message from him again. Nothing meaningful or poignant. It may even have been about a certain football team making it to the national championships. A certain football team that you couldn't give two shits about.

Why? I mean clearly you're getting the classic he's just not that into you signals. Well, he can sense it. He knows you're close to deleting him forever and he's not quite ready for you to do that. He wants to leave you hanging. So, kindly respond with a witty remark. Go back and forth for awhile if you so choose. But really, he's not worth it. Conversation ends and the delete button is pressed. Next time you won't even recognize the number.

To my single lady friends: don't let his delete radar fool you. He's still just not that into you.
EDIT:: To be fair to my homeboys, yes girls do this too. I may just be a little bias ;)

I'm Just Not That Into You

The tables have turned. After hearing this line over a month ago, I never thought I'd be dishing it out. Not that I assumed the next guy I'd meet would be Mr. Right and we'd live happily ever after either. I don't know... it just hurt so bad to hear it I never wanted to have to say it to anyone else. Ever.

Well tonight, I will have to.

Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, wait what? When did Michelle go on a date and why didn't she tell us? To be honest, I was afraid to talk about it. Afraid of judgement (even though you guys have never judged me before and many of you have told me to get the hell back on the saddle [which...I did]!). A few kisses led to an exchanging of numbers, which led to a "When can I see you again?", which ultimately led to our first date. Exactly what I've been looking for right? A guy showing interest in ME for once. Not being the pursuer. It felt good. Really good.

Well the concept of it did.

The reality of it? No sparks. No butterflies seeing his name pop up on caller ID. No excitement hearing my text alert go off wondering "Is it him?". Nothing. I left the date with the same "When can I see you again?" question looming in the air. Giving a half-assed answer, completely aware that sooner rather than later I'd have to face the music and reply with a "No thanks, but I'd love to be friends!"

Maybe I should have given him another chance? He did everything right. He is cute, really cute. Maybe I was just nervous? No, not really. Maybe I'm not ready yet? Maybe, but I know that I need to move on. (Also, there is a certain someone that has been making my heart skip a beat for a few weeks now. Seeing HIS number come up on caller ID? TOTAL BUTTERFLIES. Swoon). I was afraid another date just to "figure it all out" just wouldn't be fair. I know first hand what leading someone on can do to a person's feelings. So I'm going to tell him he's a nice guy, but I'd rather stay friends. Tonight. And I'm not going to chicken out this time.

Have you guys ever had to dish out the dreaded "I'm just not that into you" line? Please tell me I'm not a horrible person!