Monday, November 26, 2007

I'm Just Not That Into You

The tables have turned. After hearing this line over a month ago, I never thought I'd be dishing it out. Not that I assumed the next guy I'd meet would be Mr. Right and we'd live happily ever after either. I don't know... it just hurt so bad to hear it I never wanted to have to say it to anyone else. Ever.

Well tonight, I will have to.

Some of you are probably thinking to yourself, wait what? When did Michelle go on a date and why didn't she tell us? To be honest, I was afraid to talk about it. Afraid of judgement (even though you guys have never judged me before and many of you have told me to get the hell back on the saddle [which...I did]!). A few kisses led to an exchanging of numbers, which led to a "When can I see you again?", which ultimately led to our first date. Exactly what I've been looking for right? A guy showing interest in ME for once. Not being the pursuer. It felt good. Really good.

Well the concept of it did.

The reality of it? No sparks. No butterflies seeing his name pop up on caller ID. No excitement hearing my text alert go off wondering "Is it him?". Nothing. I left the date with the same "When can I see you again?" question looming in the air. Giving a half-assed answer, completely aware that sooner rather than later I'd have to face the music and reply with a "No thanks, but I'd love to be friends!"

Maybe I should have given him another chance? He did everything right. He is cute, really cute. Maybe I was just nervous? No, not really. Maybe I'm not ready yet? Maybe, but I know that I need to move on. (Also, there is a certain someone that has been making my heart skip a beat for a few weeks now. Seeing HIS number come up on caller ID? TOTAL BUTTERFLIES. Swoon). I was afraid another date just to "figure it all out" just wouldn't be fair. I know first hand what leading someone on can do to a person's feelings. So I'm going to tell him he's a nice guy, but I'd rather stay friends. Tonight. And I'm not going to chicken out this time.

Have you guys ever had to dish out the dreaded "I'm just not that into you" line? Please tell me I'm not a horrible person!

58 comments:

Tina Vaziri said...

You're not horrible! It's great that you are doing it sooner than later, or just ignoring him until he goes away. That's worse.

We've all had to do that before.

cp said...

If anything it reinforces your feelings for the Swooner. Sometimes you need that.

I completely understand the "Let's Just Be Friends" feeling, and I feel horrible about it. Because what I've seemed to hear from my guy-friends (whom I've not dated) was that they hate hearing that, due to only being interested in dating. I almost feel better about saying just cutting it off rather than trying to be friends. I wish I knew that the guy would be okay with the friends response!

Hope it all turns out! Kudos for getting back out there.

midnite99 said...

Oh, of course you're not horrible! One word of caution, though -- don't say you want to be friends unless you *actually* want to be friends. If you're "just not that into him" and you don't have any intention of inviting him to your next party, then I think it's better to say something like, "I think you're great, I'm just not feeling it." I hate hearing the "friends" line when it's insincere. Good luck with the conversation, and good luck with Butterfly Boy!

Andrea said...

You are NOT a horrible person. Before I was married, my best friend (and consiquently) my hubs best friend wanted to date me. He was great, I loved everything about him, but he was more like a brother. Someone I could count on and tell everything to. I just wasn't that into him... that way (no sparks!) He understood, I married his best friend and he was the best man in the wedding. We still hang out today. Guys get over it. It is just the initial reaction that is a killer, but leading them on, it hurts even more!

Miss M. said...

you are NOT a horrible person. i've had to dish out this line a few times and for the most part, the guys have taken it well, minus a few bruised egos.

Katie said...

I know exactly what you're going through, Michelle... For some reason, I attract older men... and when I say older, I mean OLD. And my job as an occasional bartender gets me in this situation a lot... I agree with midnite... tell him you're not feelin' it and let that be it... if they're mature adults, they'll take it like men and get over it.

Good luck ;)

sassafras said...

Of course you're not a horrible person! Everyone has to go through this at some point. He should be understanding...you've only been on one real date.

Good luck!

elysa said...

how about you tell the guy I need to say that to and I'll tell yours? sounds like a good plan to me. I had a friend tell me he was very interested in me and I used the recent breakup as an excuse and I told him I wasn't going to date anyone right now. Wellll now that there is someone I am interested in I have to tell the first dude um hi I lied I just wasn't interested in dating you.

La said...

You're not a horrible person, not at all. If you're not into him? Pretending that you are isn't fair to either of you. And never, never settle. If it's another guy that makes you swoon? Don't go for the lukewarm just to spare his feelings.

Jess said...

With dating more than anything else, it is so important to follow your instinct. And you KNOW you should be getting butterflies, and you aren't, so good for you for ending it now before it can really be painful, rather than leading him on as you try to make sure that what you feel is really what you feel, and then making him confused and upset when you eventually deliver the news. This way is much more mature.

Also, I SO want to know about the person whose name DOES give you butterflies on the caller ID!

cdp said...

Girl, we've all had to do it. You're not a horrible person. It IS a nice feeling to not be the pursuer and sometimes you just don't realize immediately that you're just not that into him. I've done it a time or three in my last three years of single-hood. Obviously not recently, but yeah; I've done it. Kinda sucks but would it be more fair to NOT tell the dude you're not into him and string him along? Negative.

I'm so glad to hear you're back out there though. You go! FOXY LADY!

ksorry, too much coffee

Peter DeWolf said...

I've had to do it.

And I SUCK at it.

I try to be too nice and then it doesn't come across right.

Good luck. I am sure you'll do fine.

Kristen said...

i think it's great that you went out, even if you don't return the feelings. now's your time for fun. :)

Miriam said...

Honey, rebounds are just that, rebounds. They're not meant to give you butterflies but you have to have them in order to get the butterflies once again! Good Luck!

http://lspoon.wordpress.com

Marriage-101 said...

I've had to do it. And it does suck. I never thought it would be that bad until I had to.

Honesty really is best though. No mind games. That's not fair to anyone. He'll appreciate it...eventually. To avoid hurting his ego too much, maybe you could blame it on your break up? He's so nice and you didn't want him to become the "rebound guy"?

Trish Ryan said...

You are not a horrible person--horrible would keep dating the guy, accept a 2 carat engagement ring, and then dump him somewhere between picking out the gift registry and ordering the monogramed thank you notes.

It's not fun, but it sure beats the alternative. Butterflies are a must!

thecasualperfectionist.com said...

Hey! Good for you and your getting back out there! ;)

I have been in your situation. I didn't use the "I'm just not that into you" line, but something similar. I think I used the "This just isn't going to work between us, and I think you need to know that now, rather than later" line. Like someone else said (I didn't read all the comments yet...), if you don't see this person for any other reason (i.e. work, gym, etc.), DON'T say you want to be just friends...unless you really want to be friends. I say give him a clean break and move on. I know that sounds cold, but it's really not.

Of course, I've had to be mean, too...when the nice way just didn't work, and he kept pestering me...but that's another story. ;)

When it's right, it's right and you'll know it. When it's not, and you know it, it's best to make a mad dash for the door as fast as you can. Good luck!!

nancypearlwannabe said...

Oh my lord, having to tell someone is the worst. It's only happened to me a couple of times, but every time I feel like I am the worst person ever. I almost always do the half cop-out where I say stuff like "I'm just not ready for a relationship..." or something similar.

You can do it! Because the butterflies dude is the way to go. :)

brookem said...

oh goodness dearie- you are not a horrible person at all! it happens. we date people and if it works out, there's more dates, if we're lucky, you're both mutually interested and things... go somewhere. but it takes a lot of bad dates to go through, to get to the right guy. i just had to have this conversation with a VERY NICE a couple weeks ago. just look through my past three weeks archives and you'll see that you're not alone! and i was right where you were a couple weeks ago.
the talk?, it sucks. but i have a feeling you will handle it with grace and sincerity, and that's what's most important. good luck!

nicoleantoinette said...

You know what would make you a horrible person?? NOT being honest with him and leading him on. Just be honest, but gentle and considerate, and even if he's pissed, he'll respect you for it in the end.

Can't wait to hear more about the swoon-inducing boy! :)

Lisa said...

They've all said it. You have no reason to feel horrible, but yeah, it's one of the worst feelings in the world, letting someone down. There's just no easy way to do it.

Swoon-worthy boy, we're all dying to hear about you!

molly said...

Being honest is best. And look, he turned out to be weird anyway!

Virginia said...

You are definitely not a horrible person, this happens to everyone. I mean, isn't this what a "rebound guy" is?? Sure, maybe it was only a date or two, but it's a step in the right direction. It sucks to have to tell him that, but he's an adult and it's better to hear it now than pretend for a while and hear it later.

Lisa said...

you're totally not horrible. I use that line every time. I think it's clear without being sappy or overly rude. One time somebody told me friend "I can't see myself marrying you" after like, 3 dates. NEVER DO THAT. "I'm not that into you"- PERFECT.

Susie said...

You are not horrible at all!!! You want to talk horrible?? I went on 2 dates with a guy a few months ago and then never returned his calls. I felt awful, but I am soooo bad at rejecting people (and my friends told me by not calling him back, I was giving him the same message, but I wouldn't have to say it...I blame my friends). But this guy was overly aggressive and weird so I used that as my excuse. Still wrong though.

Last year I was in a short "relationship" with someone who I was really starting to NOT feel it with. I broke it off with him and it was one of the most difficult things I've ever done; he basically begged me to change my mind, and I didn't! Afterwards, though I felt really bad, I was so proud of myself.

You deserve to feel crazy good about someone at the start of a relationship. You're doing the right thing :)

Spunk said...

It has to be done, darlin'. Things like this suck but it happens to the best of us. He'll get over it and you'll move on. This could only get in the way of the one you're truly into..the guy that gives you 'butterflies'. Goodluck, doll.

alyndabear said...

I've never had to do this before, but I've also never actually DATED before. I need to get out more! (Not that I'm looking, but you know.) ;)

grungedandy said...

Nop not a horrible person, better to rip the plaster off now quickly than pull it off slow! It’s a boost and a bi**h being on the other side but at least you can empathise and not play with his feeling! And if he’s a nice person and you have a nice single friend you never know you could be a catalyst! Go for the guy that gives you the butterfly’s life too short fingers crossed it all works out Seeya hugya *G*

Stephanie said...

Tough and awkward as it may be, it's better than pretending there's something there and torturing yourself by continuing the masquerade.

Good for you for being strong and taking control of the situation.

And this other guy-who-gives-you-butterflies? Do tell!

DG said...

NO you are NOT horrible! In college, there was this guy that was IN LOVE with me. He would call me and want to hang out all the time. He asked me out for Valentine's Day and while I should have said no so I wouldn't lead him on, I also didn't want to be home alone on the day so I said yes.

He showed up at my house with a HUGE bouquet of roses, a heart shaped box of chocolates and a HUGE card. Talk about overkill. And that was in front of my roommates and their friends and bf's. SO EMBARRASSING!!!

Dinner was awkward and I couldn't wait to get home. When he dropped me off, he leaned in for the kiss and I had no choice but to tell him. AND HE CRIED.

I felt bad at first but no less than 2 weeks later, I saw him walking around campus with a total hottie chick. So, maybe I did him a favor? Or was he stalking her too...

alf said...

You are a good person for telling him now rather than later! And as one person said before, he will appreciate it, even if it is down the road. Plus, you owe it to yourself to be honest with the dude and yourself. Butterfly McSwoon man is where your attention is. :)

t.b.f.love. said...

It is far, FAR kinder to say the words sooner rather than later or to not say them at all. I'm a huge fan/believer of honesty - sometimes it hurts, but at least when we're honest, all the cards are out on the table, so to speak. From there, we can all continue, because nothing is being hidden. At least we know - and I think that knowing is always better than not knowing. Bravo on your courage!

A.P. said...

I've totally given a guy that whole- I'm just not that into you- line. Well- I of course surrounded it with "distance", "moving too fast" etc.... but, uh yeah, I ultimately got around to saying it just wasn't working for me. In my case though, he sadly became kinda a stalker for awhile reading everything I wrote, any comments etc on my myspace. But I wouldn't worry about that. My guy was rather 'special'.

Madison said...

uhm...congrats on dating again!
i hope this means you're totally over the ex.
the best way to get over an ex?
get under someone else :)
sorry, couldn't resist.

Erica D. said...

"I'M REALLY NOT THE MOST QUALIFIED PERSON FOR THE JOB"
"I JUST DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM IN MY CALENDAR RIGHT NOW"
"I'M NOT COMFORTABLE WITH THAT"
"I HATE TO SPLIT MY ATTENTION AMONG TOO MANY PROJECTS"
"I'M COMMITTED TO LEAVING SOME TIME FOR MYSELF IN MY SCHEDULE"
"I'M NOT TAKING ON ANY NEW PROJECTS RIGHT NOW"
One of these should work. :)
HA!

cady said...

you're not horrible. it's much better to do it early on then to let it drag out just to tell him it's not going to work.

Slightly Disorganized said...

too bad you can't just send an email.

Katelin said...

I think everyone has had to say those words before and it's never easy but at the same time you can't force yourself to have a good time with someone when there are no sparks. You're definitely not horrible in any way. And better to tell him sooner rather than later anyways. Good luck!

Julie Q said...

i know a lot of girls would have just settled into that relationship just to be with someone. Good for you for doing your own thing! Its better then leading the guy on..

Please tell me you've watched How Stella Got Her Groove back within the past couple of weeks. Best. Movie. Ever.

Larissa said...

You're not horrible. Hopefully he's mature enough to receive your honesty, and move on. Good luck!

Sarah said...

Yes. The day after giving him his first kiss. At 21 years old. I felt like an asshole, but I honestly didn't know until then. It sucked, but you can't pretend. Good for you, for being brave.

Princess Extraordinaire said...

You're not a horrible woman at all - better to be up front and honest with him before anything progresses - why is it men can do it and not have any issue with it but when we do it we feel so bad? I've had to dish out that line in the past but I am always very cognizant of the other person's feelings and make it clear that friendship is best if anything - sometimes it worked out sometimes it didn't - go for it - be brave!

Valley Girl said...

YOU'RE NOT A HORRIBLE PERSON!!! You're awesome!!!

sweetanemone said...

better sooner than later! hope all went ok xoxo

JulyBug said...

I'm probably alone on this but I'm a fan of the second date after an iffy first date. It'll reinforce what you already think about him, that its just not there, or you may see another side. Let us know how it went.

libby said...

late as usual!! i hope things went smoothly!! and yay for the one who makes you swoon :D <3

NWO said...

My take: you owe him nothing besides basic respect and honesty. You owe yourself the same thing, and it sounds like you did exactly the right thing. Chemistry is everything!

Ashlie said...

I used to be such a wuss and just stop returning phone calls/emails/pleas of love. Bad.

Goooood luck.

Princess Pointful said...

You don't need to make up any excuses for not feeling it- you're just not, and you deserve to swoooooon.
However, good to be reminded of your hotness!

ana said...

Horrible? Are you kidding me, I have known people who play other people like pawns. It takes a bit of guts, and a lot of graciousness to dish out the "I'm just not that into you" line. It is honest. It is respectful. It is a fact.

People play. People have rebound relationships. and I don't think that is horrible either. Then this my dear is far from horrible.

and yay for the butterfly guy, let them flutter.

The Mouse said...

Theory is often better than reality and you just can't make sparks happen. They are either there or not, and this sounds like a definite not.

Let him down gently, as I know you will, and be truthful. If you're not into him that way, then you're not. It takes guts to say that to someone. Once you've done it, you'll feel a lot better.

PS: Congrats on getting back on the horse. Told you that you've still got it, girl. ;)

The Mouse said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Cecile Weekly said...

I must have had that conversation with a guy...hmmm, let me count... 3 times. All with the same guy... Who is now my sweet and brilliant boyfriend...

I've read the book 'He's just not that into you' and I was totally feeling it. But apparently I got it wrong with Matt anyhow. That was all quite confusing.

rachel said...

well, luckily it's only been one date instead of years of memories, so i bet he will get over it a lot quicker.

way to get back on the horse girl!!! sorry i didn't get to see you this weekend.

Kristie said...

Better to be honest and up front as opposed to hurting his feelings. I was honest with a guy once that I wasn't into him and he practically flipped a bitch. He was too girly for me. Ha!

Eve said...

Of course! It'll be unpleasant, but afterwards try to focus on how wonderful and strong you are for not taking advantage of him. (Which is so easy, but bad!)

Ashley E said...

OK i'm about 10 years too late but i'm still throwing in my 2 cents! I have done it, its hard to do but as you said, its better not to lead someone on, because you wouldn't want them to do that to you! :-)

I dated a guy for a couple weeks last semester and he was a really nice guy, great personality, we seemed to click but there was absolutely no attraction. I had to do the whole I like you but just as a friend. And he took it amazingly well.

Gotta go through a lot of frogs as my mother likes to point out. Of course saying this while i'm dating someone new and taht i actually like isn't helping!

and yeah totally monopolizing your comment section. I'm going to go now....xoxo!

She Likes Purple said...

Be proud of yourself. I was never very good at that and it gave me a lot of regrets.