We're Talking Mortifying Here Folks

When you are just getting to know someone, you go through the standard "getting to know you" questions: favorite food, type of music, #1 fear, etc. The question that would always leave me stumped was "What is your most embarrassing moment?". Nothing flat-out mortifying had ever really happened to me... until yesterday.

I was picking up flyers for a freelance job on my way to work. I paid the cashier, lifted the heavy cardboard box and carried it to my car. From there I drove to the parking garage where I unloaded the box, my ridiculously large work tote and headed to work. Up two flights of stairs, crossing a street, walking through the first floor of a mall, finally winding up at the lobby of my office building and getting on the elevator. I see my reflection in the elevator doors as I get on...

My pencil skirt had split up the back right above the slit... I unintentionally flashed America (and probably a co-worker or two).

There are some skirts that you just can't bend in to pick up a large cardboard box and apparently I was wearing one of them. How I didn't notice? I have no idea. But I quickly remedied the situation by standing against the back wall of the elevator, practically running out when I reached my floor (avoiding people at all costs), grabbing a sweater from my co-worker's desk who luckily wasn't in yet, tying it around my waist, and driving back home to change.

Looking on the bright side: 1.) At least I had on cute panties; 2.) You could barely see them, it was mostly all leg; 3.) Further proof to Each that I have a booty.

Horribly embarrassing? Yes. But I sure am laughing about it now!

Care to share an embarrassing moment of your own? I swear I'll laugh with you, not at you.

Gay, Straight, Or Taken?

The age old question every single girl asks herself when she sees hottie material. (It's also a reality dating show on Lifetime, quite lame, but gets the point across.)

In the real world, it's not as simple as picking the straight available man, however. There are many sub-categories your potential suitor could fall into that parallel hiding his wedding ring in his back pocket. I will detail below a few I have encountered myself in recent dating escapades (all of which you will want to AVOID at all costs):

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The wallflower: He's usually alone at the bar. Leaning against the wall, beer in hand, watching you from afar. He may shift positions to get closer to where you're seated. You smile, he winks. But when you make eye contact for too long he looks away, fearful that you may have caught him checking out your cleavage. When your friend makes a trip to the restroom, the empty chair... remains empty.

• Why you want to steer clear: If he can't grow a pair and actually TALK to you, who's going to be making all the moves in bed? Sounds like too much work if you ask me.

The smooth-talker: He brings his A-game round one. "You have a beautiful smile" is his leading line. Not lame, but not sleazy either. It's easy to fall for his quick wit and irresistible charm. By the end of the night, he thinks he has this one in the bag.

• Why you don't want to go back to his place: His A-game will only last that one round. The sweet compliments and tender kisses are out the window on date #2. He's the guy who likes to hit it and quit it. If you know what I mean...

The booty call: This guy will usually be with a bunch of friends at the bar. A crowd pleaser. Normally gathered around the pool table, arcade bowling machine or dart board. He'll ask you to join in, this way the whole group can flirt with you. He doesn't seem to mind that you're getting everyone else's attention.

• Why you shouldn't hand out the digits: This guy isn't interested in a serious relationship. He thinks you have a nice ass and would be fun to make out with. His calls will consistently come Sunday evenings after 10 p.m. or after a late night at the strip joint.

The extracurricular overachiever:: In conversation you find out that after his 9-5, he works a second job three times a week. He seems put-together, determined, with a good head on his shoulders. He then goes into detail about his many hobbies: biking, golf, hiking, the two softball leagues he plays for every week. How he barely has time for sleep, and comes home to Conan O'Brien every night.

• Why you shouldn't pencil him in for a date: Don't get me wrong, it's nice when your significant other has a life outside of you. If I didn't have my weekly date nights with Anna, happy hours with different friends, volunteer work or (soon-to-be) golf lessons, I would be a pretty boring person. But, with a life as jam packed as his seems, you will find it impossible to squeeze into his routine. And besides, where does sex fit in to that schedule of his? Dead last. RUN.

And finally,

The over-exaggerator: Constantly references his many "achievements". How he turned down Harvard to stay close to home and care for his elderly relative or neighbor. That he could have taken that fantastic corporate job right out of college that paid six figures, but it was his dream to Save Darfur.

• Why you should avoid a kiss from those tainted lips: With so many lies escaping that dirty mouth of his, how will you ever know where it's really been? And girls, if he's not being up front about something as simple as what he does for a living, should you believe it when he tells you he's pleased every woman he's ever been with? I think not.

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Have any categories of your own to share?

Oh, and just in case you fear you won't be able to resist guys like the ones mentioned above due to their six pack abs, cute dimples, nice ass or fabulous head of hair; simply wear this t-shirt:



Because you're worth it ;)

Retaliation

For the broken butter dish...
For paw prints on clean counter tops...
For losing my favorite pair of earrings...
For hiding my inhaler...
For digging through my purse...
For scratching under my bed...
For ruining my rugs...
For breaking that picture frame...
For waking me up at 4 in the morning...
For dragging yarn around the apartment...
For rifling through garbage...



Let the squirting begin!

No Foolin' Round Here

I prematurely fooled some of you already, so I decided there would be no April Foolin' my readers today.

Well, maybe I couldn't think of anything really funny. Because the "I'm pregnant" joke just doesn't work as well on you guys as it does on the boyfriend.

Or does it?

Not falling for it? Damn.

Google's April Fools joke in Gmail today was pretty funny. They claimed to be "Introducing Gmail Custom Time":

How do I use it?
Just click "Set custom time" from the Compose view. Any email you send to the past appears in the proper chronological order in your recipient's inbox. You can opt for it to show up read or unread by selecting the appropriate option.

Is there a limit to how far back I can send email?
Yes. You'll only be able to send email back until April 1, 2004, the day we launched Gmail. If we were to let you send an email from Gmail before Gmail existed, well, that would be like hanging out with your parents before you were born -- crazy talk.

How does it work?
Gmail utilizes an e-flux capacitor to resolve issues of causality (see Grandfather Paradox).

How come I only get ten?
Our researchers have concluded that allowing each person more than ten pre-dated emails per year would cause people to lose faith in the accuracy of time, thus rendering the feature useless.



Their findings:
N = Total emails sent
P = Probability that user believes the time stamp
φ = The Golden Ratio
L = Average life expectancy

Funny, no?

What is the craziest April Fool's joke you've heard about or pulled yourself? Or fallen FOR?

Oh and I am pregnant.











April Fools ;)

Invisible Spider? No, Invincible.

Scene: Leaving Clancy's last night, walking towards the front door.

[both of us see a spider at the same time on the glass window of the front door, and glance at each other. each knowing the other is afraid of it.]

Michelle: Don't look at me, I'm not killing it!

Clancy: [does the manly thing even though he hates spiders and attempts to kill it with a shoe from the closet]

[spider falls to the ground, dead]

Michelle: Did you get it, did you get it?!

Clancy: Yeah, I think so.

[we both look down, spider scurries across floor]

Michelle: He's not dead! [begins stepping on it with the shoes on her feet]

[after each squishing attempt, we look at spider and watch for any sign of life. spider waits until we look away and begins, rather slowly, trying to escape. again]

Clancy: He must be sneaking into the spaces where the tread on your shoe is.

Michelle: [lifts leg and turns foot over to inspect tread on shoe. no tread exists.]

[puzzled looks pass between us]

Michelle: Seriously?! This spider is invisible.

Clancy: I think you mean invincible honey. Because if he was invisible, he would be damn near impossible to kill.

Michelle: [giggles embarrassingly] OK, let's just kill the damn thing.

Clancy: [grabs extra piece of wood trim from closet, bludgeons the spider to pieces]

Michelle: [inspecting the spider parts on ground] Very convincing spider, but you don't fool me!

[pretty sure spider is dead, but will check back tomorrow]

THE Ring

Of course I said "yes"


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He stole my heart for a quarter*. (And my favorite color is green)

Sorry guys, I couldn't save it until April Fools :)




*Only second to homemade chocolate covered strawberries, this might be the sweetest thing ever.

Things That Never Cross A Man's Mind*

*Inspired by Kellie Pickler's latest single. For entertainment purposes only ;)

Her skirt is too short.
Her jeans are too tight.
If she keeps flirting with me, it might ruin my night.

I have nothing to wear.
What do you think?
I really love that shirt, I wonder if it comes in pink.

I'm ditching the guys tonight.
Let's rent a chick flick.
I hated that action movie we saw, this time you pick.

I'm not in the mood for pizza.
We have way too much beer.
Let's order some salads instead, fewer calories dear.

I see your point.
I admit it you're right.
Let's just forget about it, and snuggle all night.

Who needs porn?
I hate dirty magazines.
Jessica Alba's ugly, and that baby's going to have her genes.

Does my butt look big in this?
I'm on my fifth diet.
I didn't get enough cardio in today - the elliptical, let's try it.

He has a nice ass.
I love how he does his hair.
I'll introduce him to my wife, they should have an affair.

I'm turning off the TV.
What's going on in your head?
Get it all off your chest, let's have a long talk tonight instead.



Feel free to add your own!