Regenerate.

Getting lots of sleep, canceling plans with friends and a general lackluster are all things I've been experiencing as of late. It started with a really bad cold a few weeks ago so I canceled plans 2 nights in a row. But once I was feeling up to par, I found myself continuing to cancel plans for things I normally look forward to during the week. Then I slept until noon on a Saturday when I didn't have plans until the evening. And again today. Generally, all things out of character for me.

I described all of this to my therapist tonight and she smiled at me and said, "Every once in awhile, people need time to regenerate." She went on to tell me that wanting time alone to process my thoughts outside of friends is normal. Sometimes the need to feel socially "on" is overwhelming and a little me time is well-deserved. Suddenly, I felt less guilty about it. It wasn't that these things were bothering me because I thought something was wrong, I was worried because I was liking them too much.

I vowed to make more time for me. Because what's a better time then now when I'm single? Things I am putting on my list of things to do just for me:

• Complete Jillian Michael's 30 Day Shred
  
• Buy my new MacBook and start my freelancing website
  
• Rent the Twilight movie again
  
• Read Jodi Picoult's new book
  
• Get another massage and pedicure
  
• Organize my shoes in my closet
  
• Break out the journal again
  
• Learn one new recipe
  
• Buy a new dress that I look and feel fabulous in

I can't wait.

The Beginning Of The Second Quarter

25 years are over.

My quarter-life has been full of ups and downs. Breaking hearts and, currently, a severely broken heart of my own. Becoming an aunt for the very first time. Graduating college. Living on my own. Moving to a new city. Making new friends, becoming closer with old friends and growing apart from some.

Overall my 20s have been a learning experience. I know more about myself and what I want from life than ever before. I am stubborn, determined and dramatic. Creative, hardworking and loyal. I'm a daughter, sister, friend, aunt, blogger and confidante. I love with my heart on my sleeve, like I have nothing to lose and everything to give. I am sensitive, nurturing and understanding. I take pride in my accomplishments but sometimes am a bit too self-critical. I'm more relaxed then I've ever been. I've learned when it's safe to let it all "hang out" and when to keep on my game face. I take risks. I cherish the people who care about me and crumble when they can't follow through. But I am strong enough to pick myself up, dust myself off and start over. I've done it before, I can do it again.

I know these next 25 years are going to be just as turbulent, but I'm looking forward to it. Learning, growing, loving and laughing. I have a hell of a lot more life to live.

Hello, 26!

My Ah-Ha Moment

(Note: This actually happened a little over a week ago, but I wasn't ready to post it yet. Seemed a little too dismal before the holidays.)

"Wow," I said out loud to myself after reading those two paragraphs for what seemed like the hundredth time. It all made sense now. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I've never seen anything so clear in all my life.

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When your family embraces the myth that they have no problems, it can lead to your engaging in emotional reasoning when you're an adult. You are so used to dismissing problems or glossing them over that you may feel you're in a terrific relationship, and experience shock when it becomes undeniably clear that your relationship isn't so terrific after all -- it's just that you've been engaging in wishful thinking and denying very real problems.

You may also develop the habit of repressing your difficult feelings and expressing your anger and fear indirectly rather than confronting them and opening yourself up to the risk that your partner will end the relationship. The fear of bringing your problems out in the light of day makes you pretend everything is just fine, and remain in a relationship that isn't working. You may feel you have to say, "I love you" and kiss and make up quickly, even after you have been deeply hurt. (Excerpt from All the Good Ones Aren't Taken by Dr. Debbie Magids)

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I've had similar thoughts. Beat around the bush about why I am the way I am in serious relationships. But these two paragraphs couldn't have been more to the point. Succinct. Blunt. Everything I've been trying not to be since the breakup.

Since I was very young I picked up on the "We're One Big Happy Family" façade my family tried to portray. Even though my parents divorced a little over 5 years ago, it was obvious (to me and everyone else in the family) that they should have long before that. But I bet no one outside of our family knew that. Not even my closest friends because at that point in my life I closed myself off emotionally to everyone. That was how my family worked. My mother and I would have a huge fight; door slamming, cursing, the whole bit, but the next day we would act like nothing happened even though deep down neither of us felt any better.

Everything in my family was on the surface. Our conversations would be about how we were doing in school, what TV shows we were watching, what music we liked, what friends we were hanging out with that weekend. They were never about anything deeper. We never said "I love you". I knew my parents loved me. I had (and have) no doubt. But we were emotionally closed off from each other because we were constantly hiding real problems. There was even one huge family secret that was so deeply hidden I only found out from a family friend a mere three years ago (and it happened back in the 80s)!

After reading the excerpt above I realized how that has affected my love life. Even though I have long since abandoned my "on the surface" attitude when it comes to personal relationships, I now know that some of the more hindering tendencies have yet to disappear.

With The Ex I should have seen the end coming. He gave me all the signs. But I did what my family does best. Pretend it's not really happening and pray it will go away. (See one year anniversary post written a mere 4 weeks before the breakup. Reading that would you guess we had any problems? Probably not.) But what inevitably happens when you don't confront those problems right away? They grow and grow to the point where they are irreparable and blow up in your face. Hence why I have three failed long-term relationships under my belt.

Now I'm not turning around and blaming all my relationship blunders on myself. Hell, I can't take all the credit! There were things that The Ex did to lead the relationship to its demise. I'm just glad I've recognized my part, so I don't have a repeat performance anytime soon.

What I will change:
I will not gloss over any real problems. Even something that seems small, if gone unmentioned can lead to resentment down the road. If my feelings are hurt, I will wait for an apology instead of letting it slide. I deserve that at the very least. Those gut feelings? I'm going to start listening to them. They're usually right on the money. And most importantly, I will listen to my partner and not shrug off his lackadaisical attitude toward our relationship to "stress at work". Bringing up real issues may lead to the other person walking away, but I would rather take the risk in future relationships than be constantly worried things will never change.

Here's to finding someone who has the same attitude towards relationships. Forming a real, emotional bond with the person you love, and being able to tell each other anything without fear that the other will leave. I know he's out there.

An Unclear Ending

Miriam posed the question - Do you believe in reincarnation? Do you believe our actions mandate getting into Heaven or Hell or do you believe we just die?

This is a tough topic for me. A topic I've had many conversations about with only a select few people who are close to me (including C - which oddly enough our discussion on this topic was one of the reasons I had found us to be so compatible). A topic I don't think I can talk about without bringing up my religious (or lack thereof) beliefs.

As a child I was raised Catholic, attended a Catholic school from kindergarten to eighth grade, and even went to church on occasion. Slowly our weekly Sunday church outings dwindled to monthly and by the time I started high school my family was what I like to call CEO Catholics (Christmas & Easter Only).

To tell you the truth I didn't see a reason to attend church if my heart wasn't in it. If the whole time I was questioning what organized religion was all about. Even at a young age I found myself wondering "If God is listening why do we all need to gather to talk about it? Why can't I tell him when I pray at night?"

Faith is such a strong feeling to possess. I've seen it manifest in people close to me and it really is inspiring. I feel that I have faith in "god", just not the same God as everyone else. I believe that life is a gift. Walking outside, taking everything in, enjoying the beauty of our world is "god". Hearing the birds sing, watching the sun rise and hearing a baby laugh is "god". My faith comes from my surroundings. From life in general. And to not take it for granted. I believe we were put on this earth to live life to the fullest. Not to be judged by our actions while we're here and later punished for our sins.

Sadly the thought of my own death and the deaths of those who are closest to me is one of my greatest fears. Mostly because I am unsure about our ending on earth. Personally I don't believe in heaven and hell or reincarnation, but rather just an ending. And I guess that's what makes it so scary. We are finite. On the other hand, there is a part of me that hopes our spirits live on. But I have always been a logical girl; needing proof, resolution and answers to everything. And death is no different.

I hope I haven't lost any readers by posting my views on this topic. I wish I could be the kind of person who can believe without proof. Love without doubt. And have faith without turning their back. But I'm not. I don't appreciate life any less, in fact I'd like to think I live it more fully because I believe this is all we've been given. Our time here and now.

Will Any Title Suffice?

I am warning you in advance that I am literally sobbing as I write this. I am going to try to be as coherent as possible, but I can't make any promises. Also, this could quite possibly be a long winded post, but right now blogging is my therapy.

Clancy ended things between us last night. He explained that he didn't see a long-term future with me (i.e. marriage) and that it wasn't fair to continue a relationship that was "going nowhere". He said he still loved me and cared for me, and that this was going to be hard for him too. He just felt that in the long run this would be the best thing for the both of us. In other words, inevitable and doing it now would hurt less.

In my head I can comprehend these words. I can even type them out and explain them to you. But my heart doesn't want to accept them. It's like, nope those words don't compute. Please try again later. Have you ever felt that way? I honestly don't know how to handle this. I was a mess last night. Into this morning. I didn't eat anything all day. Cried. Yelled. And cried some more. Got angry. Said hurtful things. Is this normal? Friends have told me it is, they've been there. Been physically sick even over losing someone they love. He just made me feel so abnormal. Since he's so experienced in the dating world (and I'm not being sarcastic here), he tells me he understands women. And that they just don't act like that. How can they not? Maybe they dumped you? Because really that's the only time I've ever felt OK about breaking up with someone, sort of. It still hurts. And I still shed plenty of tears.

Clancy is such a HUGE part of my life. And not just him. His house, which is the first place that has felt like a "home" to me since Erie. A place where I feel comfortable, that I can kick off my shoes and relax in. I can't even begin to tell you how much it will hurt never to see him again or the girls (dogs). His family has begun to feel like a part of my family. They're all such amazing people. It breaks my heart. It is literally breaking apart right. now.

About three months ago he had these same feelings. We had broken up for a few days, but had a heart to heart and I thought we had worked things out. We were getting along, I wouldn't have changed anything about our day to day life. We talked about fixing up the house. Like it was "our" project. We've talked about me freelancing in the future and him helping me on the management side of things. We've talked about travelling together. How we would raise our kids. That we didn't want to get married in a church and that he wouldn't wear a tux. Little did I know under that facade was an unhappy person. I wish he would have told me that his feelings weren't changing. I wish we could just try again. How do "you know" really? I mean he knows he loves me, why does he have to be so sure about marriage right now? We're obviously not to that point yet. He even had to throw in there how he's had that feeling before for other girls (yeah plural isn't that nice?) so he knows he's capable of it.

I just have so many unanswered questions. Why ask me to move in with you if you didn't see a future with me? Why bring me around your family so much lately and make me fall in love with them? Why talk about a future that you knew in your heart didn't exist? Why plan a trip that you didn't even want to go on with me? Why?

I know I will never hear the answers to those questions. And I know that even if I did I still wouldn't understand it. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. He has someone that loves him unconditionally, has stood by him through A LOT, has never faltered, and he wants to throw it all away. He says he will miss me, but I hesitate to believe it. Because if you really loved someone and would miss them if they were gone from your life, why end it in the first place? He'll easily move on, find another girl and I'll still be broken hearted. Love bites.

I know that everyone will tell me that I'll find someone better, I deserve better. I'll be happy again in time. But what can I say to that when the only person I want and that will make me happy is someone who doesn't want me back?

---

I can't thank you guys enough for all of your comments, emails, messaging, and facebook replies. If it weren't for them I would've been curled up in a ball crying instead of smiling through tears about the support I have. Case in point:

call me if you need to talk. you probably don't even want to talk. this sucks. i am hurting for you. i love you. i'm praying for you.

And I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but if things don't work out, you'll have plenty of guys beating down the door to take his place. I haven't "known" you for very long but I can tell that you're gorgeous, intelligent, fun, caring, and definitely the best girlfriend Clancy has or ever will have. He'll regret it.

I really hope it all works out for the best. I really do.

We are SO much better than anything else they will EVER have! SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I wish there was more I could do or say but you have to understand you didn't
deserve this. You deserve to be happy and loved unconditionally.

i know that whatever happens - it'll probably be for the best. sorry to sound cliche. but that doesn't have to mean its permanent. stay strong michelle.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now but I am definitely willing to make a cake and/or cookies and send it your way.

And all of that doesn't even begin to break the surface.

Elysa almost made me snort water through my nose while we were chatting last night. Bald, fat & beautiful, right girl? And this girl can rock a post. Thanks Rachel, that really made me feel like everyone had my back. And also, thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed one:




I love you guys. Please keep reading and I promise when I feel more up to it I will be catching up and commenting on all of your blogs again really soon.

The Great Awakening - Yep It Took Me 25 Years To Figure This Out

I'm about to go a little deeper with this post than most of the ones I've written as of late. Not that I didn't want to share before, I just wasn't ready yet. But this is supposed to be a journal right? :)

I have always been the type of person that believed personal happiness came from personal relationships. For example, I would expect certain things from Clancy to make me 'happy' whether it be a text or call during the work day, initiating affection, walking in the door and giving me a kiss/hug, etc. This put a lot of pressure on him because he felt that my happiness rested solely on his shoulders. Not that he didn't want to make me happy or do any of those things, but I was EXPECTING it. That made everything seem so forced, and it was really putting a strain on our relationship.

Looking back, I've done this my whole life. In past relationships - even with my parents. I expect certain things from the people in my life and if they didn't happen I would be unhappy. Needless to say I felt let down or sad most of the time.

You can only rely on one person to make you happy - YOURSELF. Don't get me wrong, good personal relationships can bring enjoyment and a lot of pleasure to your life, but ultimately you are responsible for your own happiness. Only when you love yourself can you truly love someone else. And you can only love yourself by knowing what makes you happy. OK, I know I'm starting to sound like Dr. Phil. Deal with it :)

I attended a lunch seminar the other day entitled "Keys to Happiness in Personal Relationships". It pretty much reaffirmed everything I've stated above, and that made me feel great about where I am heading with my own personal growth. One thing the speaker said that truly stuck with me was "stop being the victim". She was speaking generally, but it's so true to my own life. I need to stop blaming everyone else for my own unhappiness and understand that happiness comes from within. Then and only then can I be truly happy.

I think Clancy has noticed a difference in me. Without coming right out and telling him everything I've said above, I think he can tell that I've changed. I feel different. I really do. I look at the day much more positively and even my normal every-day road rage has dissipated. I didn't want to feel the way I was feeling anymore, so I made a change. The root of my problem was insecurity, but I thought it was insecurity in my relationship. All this time it has been insecurity in myself.

"Real love doesn't demand perfection. Real love is accepting and understanding of our partners, imperfections and all. This is only possible if we can first learn to identify our own needs, and ask for what we want in our relationships and in our life. Having done that, we discover that a greater awareness of our partner's needs gives us the power to re-ignite and sustain the passion of our relationship." -John Gray