We Are Just Breakable Girls & Boys

Ingrid Michaelson (well her music) makes me think about how fragile we really are when putting our hearts out on the line for another person. Nothing is protecting us from the sting of rejection. Heart, meet sleeve.

The more our heart is broken, does it become less fragile? Are we put back together so many times that when dropped we no longer shatter?

I used to believe the more my heart experienced dating (love, loss and the like), the tougher it became. Almost like I was putting it through rejection boot-camp. Now I'm certain that it is just as fragile as it was at 15 when my first crush rejected me.

Yes, I have moved on from lost loves. Many times. But do we ever fully move on? Is there a little piece of our heart that is left behind after the rest of it has been put back together again?

A billboard on a highway...
A song on the radio...
The hint of cologne on a crowded elevator...

...brings you back. Even if only for a second, you can feel it. Your heart isn't completely whole.

We are fragile. Just breakable girls and boys.

Say What You Need To Say

No matter how busy I keep myself, how many friends I surround myself with, lately I feel like there's something missing. I can't shake the feeling, but I don't quite know how to fix it either.

I have met some amazing people this summer. Friends I know will stick around for quite awhile. They fill my nights with social functions, volleyball, dinners, happy hours, parties. My smiles in our photographs aren't fake. Rather, fleeting.

I'm turning down guys for absurd reasons; i.e. he's too young (25), too tall (6'3") and the latest (he hasn't dated enough). My friends are convinced they're excuses. That I don't want to date.

Maybe they're right. But I'm honestly not sure.

Have you ever felt lost? Not unhappy, just unsure what path you're supposed to take next. Right now I'm at a fork in the road, just staring straight ahead.

And I wish I could jump on a plane, look down and see which path has the happier ending...

In Need Of A Dr. Phil Stand In

Guys I am enlisting your help. The worrying I mentioned in my last post? Maybe I wasn't as forthcoming as I should have been. It's gotten out of control. Yes, you all comforted me by saying "it's a girl thing". And while I believe that is true, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm over the top.

Mostly I worry about the future. I hate not knowing where my life is headed and I've been feeling like I'm in a sort of limbo lately. I like my job, I love my boyfriend, I have great family and friends. The here and now is good but I can't seem to focus on living in the now.

Your twenties are such a weird time because it's a transition period. You graduate college and enter the "real world". Often times experiencing your first real job, first time living on your own, first serious relationship, etc. That's a lot to deal with at once. And at the same time you're also dreaming of what's to come. The time in your life where you get to settle down with the person you love and start a life together.

I was just talking last night with a friend of mine about engagements. She's been dating her boyfriend for six years and they're finally getting married this year (possibly in Vegas!). While it's all very exciting now, she was telling me it was hard for her to wait that long. Really hard. Seeing other girls she works with walking around with rings on their fingers made her want more. (We also discussed the kicker - when you see a rather unattractive girl with an engagement ring and think to yourself, "If she is engaged, what is wrong with me?")

Me? I don't want to get married right now, but I want to know that's where my life is headed. The problem is you can never really know. The fact that I'm a control freak doesn't help either. There are certain things in my life I can control, but the future isn't one of them. I want answers to unanswerable questions. I'm afraid I'm always going to want more and I don't know how to overcome that.

But dammit I'm going to try.

Any advice? I could really use it ;)

Because I Knew You

I've heard it said that people come into our lives for a reason. Bringing something we must learn. And we are led to those who help us most to grow if we let them. And we help them in return. Well, I don't know if I believe that's true, but I know I'm who I am today because I knew you...

It well may be that we will never meet again in this lifetime, so let me say before we part. So much of me is made of what I learned from you. You'll be with me like a hand print on my heart. And now whatever way our stories end, I know you have re-written mine by being my friend:

Who can say if I've been changed for the better? But because I knew you: I have been changed for good.

-from Wicked, the musical (song in the sidebar if you want to hear it!)


You always made me feel good about myself. That I shouldn't doubt my talent, it was real. I had a new-found confidence that has stuck with me, in one way or another, throughout my life. Because I knew you.

You weren't in my life for very long, taken before your time. I miss you and the laughter you would bring to any room. And the pictures you would let me take of you, even though at six years old I had no idea how to work a camera. That childish smile lives on in me. Because I knew you.

You taught me to be myself. Stand up for what I believe in. Not to conform because I thought I should. But to be different because I could. That has forever been instilled in me. Oh, and the fact that I'm liberal. Because I knew you.

You were my best friend. I learned from you the ultimate life lesson: sometimes people grow up and out of each other at the same time. I miss you, but I know that if we were to become friends again it would never be the same as it was. But I look back on our hundreds of sleepovers, "Be Fri" and "St Ends" necklaces and realize my life at that time couldn't have been any better. Because I knew you.

Unbeknownst to you, you taught me the most about love. Or rather, how different what I have now is from what I had with you. Immature vs. mature love. I never thought I would carve initials in a tree trunk. I mean really, so cliché right? But I did. Because I knew you.

You brought out a work ethic in me never to be seen again. Part guilt, part pride. What would have been a job to anyone else, was a home away from home for me. Even in the mundane parts of life, you showed me how to have fun. And I still do. Because I knew you.

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With you, I can be myself. No makeup, my favorite Adidas hoodie and windpants, or a new black print dress, cable knit tights and stilettos. When I have my blonde moments and claim that antipasto salad has pasta in it, or when I blow you away with my brilliance on a few Jeopardy questions. When I can't stop giggling at your Bruce Willis jokes, or when I'm crying and scared and just need you to make it better. You love me no matter what. And I couldn't be happier. Because I know you.

Exposed.

I spent most of my life hiding behind an "image". A put-together disguise that hid all of my fears, emotions and insecurities.

When I was younger, it was the goody-two-shoes image. Perfect student. Perfect grade point average. I didn't do drugs, drink or stay out late. It was easy to hide behind mounds of homework, the computer screen, or a sketchpad.

In college, it was the overachiever image. Staying up all hours of the night finishing a graphic design project. Detail-oriented on the verge of obsessive compulsive. It was easy to hide behind my perfected portfolio, black foam core boards and an exacto knife.

In my early twenties, it was the go-getter image. Looking for a job in my field until it killed me. I couldn't wait to start my career and see what my future had in store. It was easy to hide behind the newspaper, my repeatedly redesigned resume, and monster.com.

Since I started blogging, I feel more exposed than ever before. I'm not hiding behind a glorified image for fear of dealing with real emotions. I have just begun the journey of self-discovery and it's thrilling. I may not put everything out there for the world to see, but blogging has allowed me to open up beyond the boundaries of the world wide web.

But what I do put out there, I'm glad you all are there listening reading.

So, blogging wars? Whaddya say, truce?

My Ah-Ha Moment

(Note: This actually happened a little over a week ago, but I wasn't ready to post it yet. Seemed a little too dismal before the holidays.)

"Wow," I said out loud to myself after reading those two paragraphs for what seemed like the hundredth time. It all made sense now. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I've never seen anything so clear in all my life.

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When your family embraces the myth that they have no problems, it can lead to your engaging in emotional reasoning when you're an adult. You are so used to dismissing problems or glossing them over that you may feel you're in a terrific relationship, and experience shock when it becomes undeniably clear that your relationship isn't so terrific after all -- it's just that you've been engaging in wishful thinking and denying very real problems.

You may also develop the habit of repressing your difficult feelings and expressing your anger and fear indirectly rather than confronting them and opening yourself up to the risk that your partner will end the relationship. The fear of bringing your problems out in the light of day makes you pretend everything is just fine, and remain in a relationship that isn't working. You may feel you have to say, "I love you" and kiss and make up quickly, even after you have been deeply hurt. (Excerpt from All the Good Ones Aren't Taken by Dr. Debbie Magids)

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I've had similar thoughts. Beat around the bush about why I am the way I am in serious relationships. But these two paragraphs couldn't have been more to the point. Succinct. Blunt. Everything I've been trying not to be since the breakup.

Since I was very young I picked up on the "We're One Big Happy Family" façade my family tried to portray. Even though my parents divorced a little over 5 years ago, it was obvious (to me and everyone else in the family) that they should have long before that. But I bet no one outside of our family knew that. Not even my closest friends because at that point in my life I closed myself off emotionally to everyone. That was how my family worked. My mother and I would have a huge fight; door slamming, cursing, the whole bit, but the next day we would act like nothing happened even though deep down neither of us felt any better.

Everything in my family was on the surface. Our conversations would be about how we were doing in school, what TV shows we were watching, what music we liked, what friends we were hanging out with that weekend. They were never about anything deeper. We never said "I love you". I knew my parents loved me. I had (and have) no doubt. But we were emotionally closed off from each other because we were constantly hiding real problems. There was even one huge family secret that was so deeply hidden I only found out from a family friend a mere three years ago (and it happened back in the 80s)!

After reading the excerpt above I realized how that has affected my love life. Even though I have long since abandoned my "on the surface" attitude when it comes to personal relationships, I now know that some of the more hindering tendencies have yet to disappear.

With The Ex I should have seen the end coming. He gave me all the signs. But I did what my family does best. Pretend it's not really happening and pray it will go away. (See one year anniversary post written a mere 4 weeks before the breakup. Reading that would you guess we had any problems? Probably not.) But what inevitably happens when you don't confront those problems right away? They grow and grow to the point where they are irreparable and blow up in your face. Hence why I have three failed long-term relationships under my belt.

Now I'm not turning around and blaming all my relationship blunders on myself. Hell, I can't take all the credit! There were things that The Ex did to lead the relationship to its demise. I'm just glad I've recognized my part, so I don't have a repeat performance anytime soon.

What I will change:
I will not gloss over any real problems. Even something that seems small, if gone unmentioned can lead to resentment down the road. If my feelings are hurt, I will wait for an apology instead of letting it slide. I deserve that at the very least. Those gut feelings? I'm going to start listening to them. They're usually right on the money. And most importantly, I will listen to my partner and not shrug off his lackadaisical attitude toward our relationship to "stress at work". Bringing up real issues may lead to the other person walking away, but I would rather take the risk in future relationships than be constantly worried things will never change.

Here's to finding someone who has the same attitude towards relationships. Forming a real, emotional bond with the person you love, and being able to tell each other anything without fear that the other will leave. I know he's out there.