(Note: This actually happened a little over a week ago, but I wasn't ready to post it yet. Seemed a little too dismal before the holidays.)
"Wow," I said out loud to myself after reading those two paragraphs for what seemed like the hundredth time. It all made sense now. They say hindsight is 20/20, but I've never seen anything so clear in all my life.
When your family embraces the myth that they have no problems, it can lead to your engaging in emotional reasoning when you're an adult. You are so used to dismissing problems or glossing them over that you may feel you're in a terrific relationship, and experience shock when it becomes undeniably clear that your relationship isn't so terrific after all -- it's just that you've been engaging in wishful thinking and denying very real problems.
You may also develop the habit of repressing your difficult feelings and expressing your anger and fear indirectly rather than confronting them and opening yourself up to the risk that your partner will end the relationship. The fear of bringing your problems out in the light of day makes you pretend everything is just fine, and remain in a relationship that isn't working. You may feel you have to say, "I love you" and kiss and make up quickly, even after you have been deeply hurt. (Excerpt from All the Good Ones Aren't Taken by Dr. Debbie Magids)
I've had similar thoughts. Beat around the bush about why I am the way I am in serious relationships. But these two paragraphs couldn't have been more to the point. Succinct. Blunt. Everything I've been trying not to be since the breakup.
Since I was very young I picked up on the "We're One Big Happy Family" façade my family tried to portray. Even though my parents divorced a little over 5 years ago, it was obvious (to me and everyone else in the family) that they should have long before that. But I bet no one outside of our family knew that. Not even my closest friends because at that point in my life I closed myself off emotionally to everyone. That was how my family worked. My mother and I would have a huge fight; door slamming, cursing, the whole bit, but the next day we would act like nothing happened even though deep down neither of us felt any better.
Everything in my family was on the surface. Our conversations would be about how we were doing in school, what TV shows we were watching, what music we liked, what friends we were hanging out with that weekend. They were never about anything deeper. We never said "I love you". I knew my parents loved me. I had (and have) no doubt. But we were emotionally closed off from each other because we were constantly hiding real problems. There was even one huge family secret that was so deeply hidden I only found out from a family friend a mere three years ago (and it happened back in the 80s)!
After reading the excerpt above I realized how that has affected my love life. Even though I have long since abandoned my "on the surface" attitude when it comes to personal relationships, I now know that some of the more hindering tendencies have yet to disappear.
With The Ex I should have seen the end coming. He gave me all the signs. But I did what my family does best. Pretend it's not really happening and pray it will go away. (See one year anniversary post written a mere 4 weeks before the breakup. Reading that would you guess we had any problems? Probably not.) But what inevitably happens when you don't confront those problems right away? They grow and grow to the point where they are irreparable and blow up in your face. Hence why I have three failed long-term relationships under my belt.
Now I'm not turning around and blaming all my relationship blunders on myself. Hell, I can't take all the credit! There were things that The Ex did to lead the relationship to its demise. I'm just glad I've recognized my part, so I don't have a repeat performance anytime soon.
What I will change:
I will not gloss over any real problems. Even something that seems small, if gone unmentioned can lead to resentment down the road. If my feelings are hurt, I will wait for an apology instead of letting it slide. I deserve that at the very least. Those gut feelings? I'm going to start listening to them. They're usually right on the money. And most importantly, I will listen to my partner and not shrug off his lackadaisical attitude toward our relationship to "stress at work". Bringing up real issues may lead to the other person walking away, but I would rather take the risk in future relationships than be constantly worried things will never change.
Here's to finding someone who has the same attitude towards relationships. Forming a real, emotional bond with the person you love, and being able to tell each other anything without fear that the other will leave. I know he's out there.
