Should I Give Up, Or Should I Just Keep Chasing Pavements?

I never thought it would get here. Chasing someone that doesn't recognize I'm worth it. Doesn't respond to me or my feelings.



I think I'm giving up. Chasing pavements tends to give me skinned knees.

(thanks Each, this video is beautiful as is the song)

What Kind Of Gone?

Is it the kind of gone where (s)he's at her mom's, coolin' down (s)he'll come around?
Or the kind that says you've had your chance and (s)he ain't comin' back?

Don't know when/if I'll be back, but I wanted to let you all know. Thanks to the few of you who connected with me, knowing something was up. I really appreciate it. This time, I just can't get by. I've done this to myself.

Fool me once, shame on you.
Fool me twice, shame on me.

Someday I'll learn.

I Can't Do This Anymore

I'm sick of pretending that I'm happy. Putting on a smile for the rest of the world. Fake it until you make it they say. I can't do it anymore you guys. I'm out of strength. I don't have any left.

I'm sorry I can't be more creative today. My family's coming this weekend to help me move. I'm hoping they'll be able to help me through this. I have a feeling many tears will be shed this weekend.

And I have to say goodbye to these cute faces forever:

If Love Was Enough

Can't love be enough for you?
Mine is never ending
And when I look at you
There is no pretending

Please say you'll stay
I can't go on another day

I need you near me

-My own words inspired by Graham Colton's music

---

I thought this would get easier. Day in and day out the pain remains.

"Things I would do just to have you back again, I’d single-handedly prove to you that I can - Fight for you cry for you I’d live and die for you" - you rock BB.

A Box Full Of Memories

I carried out the last box, and looked around the dark garage full of everything that is now "mine". Wow, this is really happening. So much sadness swept over me at that moment, it was paralyzing. My elbow is still throbbing from my fall earlier. Surely I'll be able to see evidence on my right cheek later as well. But that physical pain doesn't even compare to what's happening to my heart.

I wandered back inside and gathered together a few more things that were lying around. Glanced over to the mantle where our cards were displayed. Big mistake. I sat on the couch and lost it. I couldn't help it. It had been days since I had cried like that, but nothing could stop it. "I love you soooo much" "You're it". Rereading his words again and again. Pure torture. My mom put her arm around me and told me "One day someone will say those words to you again. I promise. You'll find him."

I'm trying to be strong. This has been the longest we've ever went without speaking since the day we met. And there's a chance we may never speak again. I wish this wasn't how it had to end.

My Moment Of Weakness

Wow - what an honor! This post was featured on Indie Bloggers!

I have been crushed. Flattened, broken, shattered. Emotionally crippled. By someone who loves me? I want to move on need to move on. But the pain is stifling, debilitating. The constant churning in my stomach refuses to go away. I have hit a weight I haven't seen since before the freshman fifteen knocked on my door. Negativity, pessimism and plain old sadness have taken over my every waking thought. I am numb to feelings of happiness. I lie awake in a strange room asking why. Over and over again. Knowing that no answer will suffice. He is lying in the comfort of our his home. I imagine his face: eyes closed, lips pursed, slow and steady breaths, fast asleep [in our bed]. That which once was my comfort, my rock is so far away. Physically and emotionally. He has moved on without me. No matter how hard I try, I will never catch him. Never again.

I let the water wash over me. As it slid down my face it hid my tears. They fell in droves. Unheard and unforgiving. No candle is lit outside the door on this cold morning. That is just a memory. But I can still smell its sweetness, pink lemonade. I wrap myself up, trying to keep warm. I'm not sure whether the shivering is from the rush of cold air or the reality of everything, my nerves. I crawl under the covers, lay my head down and remember. Remember what it was like to turn my head and see his lying beside it. Running my fingers through the dark spikes, rousing him awake. Kissing his tattooed shoulders, thankful that he's mine. Getting those few extra hours of sleep on Sunday mornings hoping the dogs can hold it for just a little while longer.

But I get up. Leaving evidence of my moment of weakness on the now damp pillow. Pink. The one that was "mine". Will someone else rest their head there someday? Knowing the answer I leave the room. Muddling through the rest of my morning in a haze. Arriving at work safe and sound, but wondering how I got there. Will he remember me always? Will it be a fond memory? I can only hope.


And thanks Sarah. Soon I will have your strength, my friend. Soon.

Welcome To The Department Of Redundancy Department

• I'm still miserable.
  
• Haven't found an apartment I like.
  
• Wish I had more friends out here.
  
• Still ache for his touch.
  
• Pumpkin cheesecake couldn't even take my pain away.
  
• I literally can't think about anything else.
  
• Let alone blog about anything else.
  
• ::edit:: after reading KLC's post today - I'll probably be spending Thanksgiving alone.
  
• It's been a week.
  
• ONLY a week.
  
• Do you still love me?
  

Now you can all stop reading my blog because woe is me, I know I'm a pathetic POS who needs to pull herself up and dust herself off. Debbie Downer times twelve.

What's Your Beef Wednesday :: The Men Suck Edition

Just last week I started the What's Your Beef Wednesday tradition and already I have a list a mile long. But guess what - this week it's all about men. Why they suck and why I hate them. Well, you know ... for now. (It's sad that not many guys will actually read this isn't it? Feel free to send the link to all those jerks who broke your heart.)

And please, share your own beefs with guys in the comments... you know the drill!

• Conversation. Do you know how to hold one? You know, talk about your feelings? Because bottling them up sure doesn't help the situation or clue your girlfriend in that she's in for heartbreak. You shouldn't talk about movies, music, or what you want for dinner when you really want to talk about the fact that you're unhappy, don't want to see their face anymore, and wonder why you ever asked them to move in with you in the first place.
  
  Also, when we email you or text you with a thoughtful message could you stop and think about the response you send back maybe? I know you don't think anything of it to just say yes/no/maybe or whatever the obvious response would be. How about throwing in "That was nice" or "I love you too" even "xoxo" would work.
  
  Oh and once in awhile telling her she looks beautiful wouldn't hurt either.
  
  
• Sex. So, guys? Women like to be seduced. Turned on. They don't want to do the asking. Once in awhile is OK, you know when she feels like just tearing off your clothes, but other nights why don't you give it a shot? Is that too much to ask?
  
  Clue: wearing anything other than normal bedroom attire to sleep should turn your head. There are reasons behind the wardrobe guys. Reasons I tell you. Get your heads out of the clouds.
  
  Also, pleasure is a two way street. Make sure you make your way to the other side. Especially if you're only venturing out once or twice a week. Don't make her waste precious AA batteries.
  
  
• Commitment. This is where it gets fuzzy. For you. Asking someone to move in with you (when they are perfectly settled in a place of their own mind you), pretty much is going to give them the impression that you want a future with said someone. Also, talking about future plans - kids, travelling, weddings, or references to "six months from now". Don't make promises you can't keep.
  
  Cheating is wrong. Flirting with other women is wrong. Meeting a girl at a party for the first time (and your girlfriend was your date to said party) and then seeking her out on myspace and befriending her is wrong. You didn't know her before, what do you need to do, follow up?
  
  
• Gift Giving. Flowers, yes they are a nice thought definitely. But do you need to pick them up from [insert any place other than a flower shop here] every time? And yes, we can tell. We know you were there to pick up shaving cream and thought well it's our anniversary maybe I'll just grab one of these pre-made bouquets of flowers passing them off for fresh cut. She should be happy that she's even getting flowers. Uh, no this is not cool.
  
  Oh the gift of a greeting card. Would it kill you to pick out a card with the word love mentioned somewhere? At least on Valentine's Day? "You're cool" or "Let's have sex" don't express love and devotion here guys. Get a clue.
  
  It never hurts to surprise her when she's had a bad day or for no reason at all. Chocolates work. Or jewelry duh.
  
  
• Holidays. I know there are several "Hallmark" holidays out there that are pretty silly. Just play along. Valentine's Day, Sweetest Day (which is Saturday - yay! for me), etc. Just buy a damn card at least. You don't have to go all out, but it's the fact that you even thought about it that will make her smile.
  
  
• Emotions. Girls have them. They come on full force about once a month. And sometimes pop up on other occasions. Don't shrug them off. Comforting is necessary. Would it kill you to wrap her in a bear hug and let her cry on your shoulder? Or tell her everything will be OK? Or even just let her tell you everything that happened and get it all out -- you don't even have to respond, venting is therapy.
  
  
• Affection. Now don't get me wrong we don't want your paws all over us in public, but behind closed doors? Hell yes! A hug from behind, a kiss on the neck, brushing the hair from our face, kissing our forehead, holding our hand, snuggling close on the couch together. These are every day ways you can show your girlfriend/wife that you care about her. She'll appreciate you for it, trust me.

Hmm am I bitter much?

**p.s. - I'm thinking of putting together a breakup advice post to sort of help me through this whole shitty situation. If you sent me an email and you would rather me not put any of your words of advice in my post let me know. I won't be including names or personal stories for obvious reasons.

Will Any Title Suffice?

I am warning you in advance that I am literally sobbing as I write this. I am going to try to be as coherent as possible, but I can't make any promises. Also, this could quite possibly be a long winded post, but right now blogging is my therapy.

Clancy ended things between us last night. He explained that he didn't see a long-term future with me (i.e. marriage) and that it wasn't fair to continue a relationship that was "going nowhere". He said he still loved me and cared for me, and that this was going to be hard for him too. He just felt that in the long run this would be the best thing for the both of us. In other words, inevitable and doing it now would hurt less.

In my head I can comprehend these words. I can even type them out and explain them to you. But my heart doesn't want to accept them. It's like, nope those words don't compute. Please try again later. Have you ever felt that way? I honestly don't know how to handle this. I was a mess last night. Into this morning. I didn't eat anything all day. Cried. Yelled. And cried some more. Got angry. Said hurtful things. Is this normal? Friends have told me it is, they've been there. Been physically sick even over losing someone they love. He just made me feel so abnormal. Since he's so experienced in the dating world (and I'm not being sarcastic here), he tells me he understands women. And that they just don't act like that. How can they not? Maybe they dumped you? Because really that's the only time I've ever felt OK about breaking up with someone, sort of. It still hurts. And I still shed plenty of tears.

Clancy is such a HUGE part of my life. And not just him. His house, which is the first place that has felt like a "home" to me since Erie. A place where I feel comfortable, that I can kick off my shoes and relax in. I can't even begin to tell you how much it will hurt never to see him again or the girls (dogs). His family has begun to feel like a part of my family. They're all such amazing people. It breaks my heart. It is literally breaking apart right. now.

About three months ago he had these same feelings. We had broken up for a few days, but had a heart to heart and I thought we had worked things out. We were getting along, I wouldn't have changed anything about our day to day life. We talked about fixing up the house. Like it was "our" project. We've talked about me freelancing in the future and him helping me on the management side of things. We've talked about travelling together. How we would raise our kids. That we didn't want to get married in a church and that he wouldn't wear a tux. Little did I know under that facade was an unhappy person. I wish he would have told me that his feelings weren't changing. I wish we could just try again. How do "you know" really? I mean he knows he loves me, why does he have to be so sure about marriage right now? We're obviously not to that point yet. He even had to throw in there how he's had that feeling before for other girls (yeah plural isn't that nice?) so he knows he's capable of it.

I just have so many unanswered questions. Why ask me to move in with you if you didn't see a future with me? Why bring me around your family so much lately and make me fall in love with them? Why talk about a future that you knew in your heart didn't exist? Why plan a trip that you didn't even want to go on with me? Why?

I know I will never hear the answers to those questions. And I know that even if I did I still wouldn't understand it. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. He has someone that loves him unconditionally, has stood by him through A LOT, has never faltered, and he wants to throw it all away. He says he will miss me, but I hesitate to believe it. Because if you really loved someone and would miss them if they were gone from your life, why end it in the first place? He'll easily move on, find another girl and I'll still be broken hearted. Love bites.

I know that everyone will tell me that I'll find someone better, I deserve better. I'll be happy again in time. But what can I say to that when the only person I want and that will make me happy is someone who doesn't want me back?

---

I can't thank you guys enough for all of your comments, emails, messaging, and facebook replies. If it weren't for them I would've been curled up in a ball crying instead of smiling through tears about the support I have. Case in point:

call me if you need to talk. you probably don't even want to talk. this sucks. i am hurting for you. i love you. i'm praying for you.

And I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but if things don't work out, you'll have plenty of guys beating down the door to take his place. I haven't "known" you for very long but I can tell that you're gorgeous, intelligent, fun, caring, and definitely the best girlfriend Clancy has or ever will have. He'll regret it.

I really hope it all works out for the best. I really do.

We are SO much better than anything else they will EVER have! SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I wish there was more I could do or say but you have to understand you didn't
deserve this. You deserve to be happy and loved unconditionally.

i know that whatever happens - it'll probably be for the best. sorry to sound cliche. but that doesn't have to mean its permanent. stay strong michelle.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now but I am definitely willing to make a cake and/or cookies and send it your way.

And all of that doesn't even begin to break the surface.

Elysa almost made me snort water through my nose while we were chatting last night. Bald, fat & beautiful, right girl? And this girl can rock a post. Thanks Rachel, that really made me feel like everyone had my back. And also, thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed one:




I love you guys. Please keep reading and I promise when I feel more up to it I will be catching up and commenting on all of your blogs again really soon.

Basically The Worst Day Ever

My BRAND NEW CAR was shaking/vibrating this morning. Freaked out. Had it taken to the dealership to be looked at. Am now four hours late to work after all is said and done.

My boyfriend decides that we're not working. Tells me this over the phone. Won't give me a straight answer as to the "status" of our relationship. "We'll talk later." According to him I've just been fooling myself all this time. He's unhappy. I break down, sob, cry the whole deal.

Oh, so I must have been imagining that day when you asked me to move in.
And I must have been imagining that day you told me you wanted to spend the rest of your life with me.
And all those talks about our future together, I must have been having those with myself.

I have never hurt so bad in all my life.