I am warning you in advance that I am literally sobbing as I write this. I am going to try to be as coherent as possible, but I can't make any promises. Also, this could quite possibly be a long winded post, but right now blogging is my therapy.
Clancy ended things between us last night. He explained that he didn't see a long-term future with me (i.e. marriage) and that it wasn't fair to continue a relationship that was "going nowhere". He said he still loved me and cared for me, and that this was going to be hard for him too. He just felt that in the long run this would be the best thing for the both of us. In other words, inevitable and doing it now would hurt less.
In my head I can comprehend these words. I can even type them out and explain them to you. But my heart doesn't want to accept them. It's like, nope those words don't compute. Please try again later. Have you ever felt that way? I honestly don't know how to handle this. I was a mess last night. Into this morning. I didn't eat anything all day. Cried. Yelled. And cried some more. Got angry. Said hurtful things. Is this normal? Friends have told me it is, they've been there. Been physically sick even over losing someone they love. He just made me feel so abnormal. Since he's so experienced in the dating world (and I'm not being sarcastic here), he tells me he understands women. And that they just don't act like that. How can they not? Maybe they dumped you? Because really that's the only time I've ever felt OK about breaking up with someone, sort of. It still hurts. And I still shed plenty of tears.
Clancy is such a HUGE part of my life. And not just him. His house, which is the first place that has felt like a "home" to me since Erie. A place where I feel comfortable, that I can kick off my shoes and relax in. I can't even begin to tell you how much it will hurt never to see him again or the girls (dogs). His family has begun to feel like a part of my family. They're all such amazing people. It breaks my heart. It is literally breaking apart right. now.
About three months ago he had these same feelings. We had broken up for a few days, but had a heart to heart and I thought we had worked things out. We were getting along, I wouldn't have changed anything about our day to day life. We talked about fixing up the house. Like it was "our" project. We've talked about me freelancing in the future and him helping me on the management side of things. We've talked about travelling together. How we would raise our kids. That we didn't want to get married in a church and that he wouldn't wear a tux. Little did I know under that facade was an unhappy person. I wish he would have told me that his feelings weren't changing. I wish we could just try again. How do "you know" really? I mean he knows he loves me, why does he have to be so sure about marriage right now? We're obviously not to that point yet. He even had to throw in there how he's had that feeling before for other girls (yeah plural isn't that nice?) so he knows he's capable of it.
I just have so many unanswered questions. Why ask me to move in with you if you didn't see a future with me? Why bring me around your family so much lately and make me fall in love with them? Why talk about a future that you knew in your heart didn't exist? Why plan a trip that you didn't even want to go on with me? Why?
I know I will never hear the answers to those questions. And I know that even if I did I still wouldn't understand it. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. He has someone that loves him unconditionally, has stood by him through A LOT, has never faltered, and he wants to throw it all away. He says he will miss me, but I hesitate to believe it. Because if you really loved someone and would miss them if they were gone from your life, why end it in the first place? He'll easily move on, find another girl and I'll still be broken hearted. Love bites.
I know that everyone will tell me that I'll find someone better, I deserve better. I'll be happy again in time. But what can I say to that when the only person I want and that will make me happy is someone who doesn't want me back?
I can't thank you guys enough for all of your comments, emails, messaging, and facebook replies. If it weren't for them I would've been curled up in a ball crying instead of smiling through tears about the support I have. Case in point:
call me if you need to talk. you probably don't even want to talk. this sucks. i am hurting for you. i love you. i'm praying for you.
And I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but if things don't work out, you'll have plenty of guys beating down the door to take his place. I haven't "known" you for very long but I can tell that you're gorgeous, intelligent, fun, caring, and definitely the best girlfriend Clancy has or ever will have. He'll regret it.
I really hope it all works out for the best. I really do.
We are SO much better than anything else they will EVER have! SO MUCH BETTER!!!
I wish there was more I could do or say but you have to understand you didn't
deserve this. You deserve to be happy and loved unconditionally.
i know that whatever happens - it'll probably be for the best. sorry to sound cliche. but that doesn't have to mean its permanent. stay strong michelle.
I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now but I am definitely willing to make a cake and/or cookies and send it your way.
And all of that doesn't even begin to break the surface.
Elysa almost made me snort water through my nose while we were chatting last night. Bald, fat & beautiful, right girl? And this girl can rock a post. Thanks Rachel, that really made me feel like everyone had my back. And also, thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed one:
I love you guys. Please keep reading and I promise when I feel more up to it I will be catching up and commenting on all of your blogs again really soon.