Tuesday, October 16, 2007

Will Any Title Suffice?

I am warning you in advance that I am literally sobbing as I write this. I am going to try to be as coherent as possible, but I can't make any promises. Also, this could quite possibly be a long winded post, but right now blogging is my therapy.

Clancy ended things between us last night. He explained that he didn't see a long-term future with me (i.e. marriage) and that it wasn't fair to continue a relationship that was "going nowhere". He said he still loved me and cared for me, and that this was going to be hard for him too. He just felt that in the long run this would be the best thing for the both of us. In other words, inevitable and doing it now would hurt less.

In my head I can comprehend these words. I can even type them out and explain them to you. But my heart doesn't want to accept them. It's like, nope those words don't compute. Please try again later. Have you ever felt that way? I honestly don't know how to handle this. I was a mess last night. Into this morning. I didn't eat anything all day. Cried. Yelled. And cried some more. Got angry. Said hurtful things. Is this normal? Friends have told me it is, they've been there. Been physically sick even over losing someone they love. He just made me feel so abnormal. Since he's so experienced in the dating world (and I'm not being sarcastic here), he tells me he understands women. And that they just don't act like that. How can they not? Maybe they dumped you? Because really that's the only time I've ever felt OK about breaking up with someone, sort of. It still hurts. And I still shed plenty of tears.

Clancy is such a HUGE part of my life. And not just him. His house, which is the first place that has felt like a "home" to me since Erie. A place where I feel comfortable, that I can kick off my shoes and relax in. I can't even begin to tell you how much it will hurt never to see him again or the girls (dogs). His family has begun to feel like a part of my family. They're all such amazing people. It breaks my heart. It is literally breaking apart right. now.

About three months ago he had these same feelings. We had broken up for a few days, but had a heart to heart and I thought we had worked things out. We were getting along, I wouldn't have changed anything about our day to day life. We talked about fixing up the house. Like it was "our" project. We've talked about me freelancing in the future and him helping me on the management side of things. We've talked about travelling together. How we would raise our kids. That we didn't want to get married in a church and that he wouldn't wear a tux. Little did I know under that facade was an unhappy person. I wish he would have told me that his feelings weren't changing. I wish we could just try again. How do "you know" really? I mean he knows he loves me, why does he have to be so sure about marriage right now? We're obviously not to that point yet. He even had to throw in there how he's had that feeling before for other girls (yeah plural isn't that nice?) so he knows he's capable of it.

I just have so many unanswered questions. Why ask me to move in with you if you didn't see a future with me? Why bring me around your family so much lately and make me fall in love with them? Why talk about a future that you knew in your heart didn't exist? Why plan a trip that you didn't even want to go on with me? Why?

I know I will never hear the answers to those questions. And I know that even if I did I still wouldn't understand it. I will never be able to wrap my head around this. He has someone that loves him unconditionally, has stood by him through A LOT, has never faltered, and he wants to throw it all away. He says he will miss me, but I hesitate to believe it. Because if you really loved someone and would miss them if they were gone from your life, why end it in the first place? He'll easily move on, find another girl and I'll still be broken hearted. Love bites.

I know that everyone will tell me that I'll find someone better, I deserve better. I'll be happy again in time. But what can I say to that when the only person I want and that will make me happy is someone who doesn't want me back?



I can't thank you guys enough for all of your comments, emails, messaging, and facebook replies. If it weren't for them I would've been curled up in a ball crying instead of smiling through tears about the support I have. Case in point:

call me if you need to talk. you probably don't even want to talk. this sucks. i am hurting for you. i love you. i'm praying for you.

And I know you probably don't want to think about this right now, but if things don't work out, you'll have plenty of guys beating down the door to take his place. I haven't "known" you for very long but I can tell that you're gorgeous, intelligent, fun, caring, and definitely the best girlfriend Clancy has or ever will have. He'll regret it.

I really hope it all works out for the best. I really do.

We are SO much better than anything else they will EVER have! SO MUCH BETTER!!!

I wish there was more I could do or say but you have to understand you didn't
deserve this. You deserve to be happy and loved unconditionally.


i know that whatever happens - it'll probably be for the best. sorry to sound cliche. but that doesn't have to mean its permanent. stay strong michelle.

I can't even imagine what you must be feeling right now but I am definitely willing to make a cake and/or cookies and send it your way.

And all of that doesn't even begin to break the surface.

Elysa almost made me snort water through my nose while we were chatting last night. Bald, fat & beautiful, right girl? And this girl can rock a post. Thanks Rachel, that really made me feel like everyone had my back. And also, thanks for the laugh this morning. I needed one:




I love you guys. Please keep reading and I promise when I feel more up to it I will be catching up and commenting on all of your blogs again really soon.

59 comments:

Stephanie said...

I don't think that anything anyone could say would truly make you feel better right now, so I'm just sending lots of hugs your way!

Making my way in PA said...

Just know that every struggle you have will make you stronger and make you into the amazing person you will become.

I can't imagine what you are feeling at this moment besides despair. But know that every one of us out here commenting cares and supports you in this moment.

molly said...

There are no words that can ease your pain right now, but know that we're all here for you. Big hugs.

xoxo

Kristen said...

it will get easier each day. you have a lot of people here to help you. :)

La said...

I'm so sorry you have to go through this, and I wish there were more that I could offer than my words. Know that we're all here for you if you need ANYTHING. If we lived next door to each other? I would totally be bringing over some form of chocolate, right this very minute. Hang in there and many many hugs.

The Lisa Show said...

If I could, I'd hug you till you pop.

elysa said...

This is what I have to say.

Ripe for Reading said...

you will get through this and we all vow to help make sure that you do. hang in there!

cdp said...

Oh, sweet girl. I'm in bed with the flu and thus have been absent from life in general the last two days and am just now hearing about all of this. Just know that we are all here and even though it will tear you ever which way but loose in the interim; in the long run it really will be okay. Believe.

xoxoxoxo

onebigholiday said...

I am so sorry babe but you will get through this. You won't understand why he did it and there is a chance that you will never really know why but you have ever right to be angry, yell, throw things because you care.
But throw his things...not yours:)

Dana said...

Everything that other people have told you is what I will say as well. But you HAVE to understand that these kinds of things HAVE to happen so that you learn and grow and become the Michelle that the MOST amazing, smart, loving, and supportive man will fall in love with. Sure you and Clancy could have gotten married and stayed together, but if it wasn't the right thing to happen, if it wasn't meant to be, you have to believe that it would break at some point in the future. And then what would happen?

My very good friend's husband of two years just left her for another woman hes been with for 1.5 years. She's heartbroken, of course. But in two years, when she is with the man of her dreams, I know she'll look back and be somewhat grateful for this horrible time - because then it allowed her to meet the greatest man on earth. I have NO DOUBT that the same thing will happen for you. Email if you want to talk more hon :) HUGS.

elysa said...

I love onebigholiday's idea throwing things sounds like a great idea why didn't I do that!

Lisa said...

Giant hug and compassionate side glances. You SOOOO totally deserve better.

Clink said...

We love you right back. We're here. You know that.

Also, homemade oreos make everything better. When/if you get your appetite back, I'd be more than happy to send them your way.

Ripe for Reading said...

clink, can you send some my way because homemade oreos sound so frigging good right now?

Jess said...

First of all, your reaction is totally normal and actually I'm really impressed at how well you seem to be holding it together given what happened. And I think it's mean of him to pull the "I've dated lots of women and none of them has ever acted like this" card on you, especially because he's totally wrong. And second of all, I am so, so sorry. This is all so awful and I've been thinking about you since yesterday. Like others have said, everyone is here for you if you need it.

The Lisa Show said...

Crying, yelling, getting angry, and saying hurtful things is normal. It doesn't matter if he says he understands women. We ARE women. We definitely know better. It happens. Nobody should ever make you feel bad for feeling the way you do.

P.S. Can I get in on that homemade Oreo action? :D

distracted spunk said...

I'm new to the game, but clearly, there's a lot of support coming your way. Breakups are never easy, especially when its with someone you think you had a future with.

Take care of yourself though. I know it's hard to stomach even eating, but as much as you're hurting, you need to remember that you're your first priority and there are so many people out here rooting for you. I'm not going to give you the whole "There's someone better out there," speech, because we hear it so often after a breakup.

Just know that you are an amazing person. You're smart, you're funny, you clearly are well-adored, and while there's going to be a few rough days ahead, there's going to be even brighter ones to come. We'll be here for you through them all. *hugs*

thecasualperfectionist.com said...

Oh, Michelle...I'm so sorry. I sent you an email. *hug*

...BeccaLynn said...

I hate that he made you feel like you were crazy or abnormal. He may 'understand' women, but he obviously doesn't understand you.
I know it'll be a long journey to get over the blow he has thrown to you. If you ever want to vent, bawl, or just talk about anything but this, send me an email. Give me a call. You name it, I'm here for you.

Heidi said...

hugs times a million since i know that no words can possibly answer your questions/make you feel better but you will get through this, you're a kick ass girl and you deserve better <3 <3

Princess Pointful said...

I call bullshit on his "I understand women" thing. Because he doesn't, otherwise he would know how much this would hurt, and how angry you have a right to be.

Seriously, I'm angry at him right now.

I'm not angry that he feels he can't be with you (although I do think he is a little crazy for that... look at that photo on your header, for god sakes- hot and caring!!!). I'm angry that he continued with being in love, taking the steps in the relationship to move it forward, then to throw this at you with seemingly no sign. The least he could have done is talked about his doubts earlier, and opened it up for discussion.

And one of the hardest things must be not knowing what you could have done to make things better. You were amazing and he loved you... what more does he want than that?

Having been through similar situations myself and in others, I can guarantee one thing-- he will regret this. In about a year you will get that fateful phone call or email about how empty things are now.

For now, be strong, be with those who love you, and start thinking about all the exciting things your new life will bring.

Much love and apologies for the longest comment ever.

nancypearlwannabe said...

Do you want me to beat him up for you? I so will.

mcgee said...

i literally had tears in my eyes reading your post because i am so sad for the pain that you are feeling.

if i didn't think they'd spoil in the mail i would go right back to that pumpkin festival and box up every pumpkin-flavored food they have and send it to you. and also include lots of virtual hugs.

you are a strong, beautiful, sassy girl. you WILL get through this and will come out even stronger for it.

cady said...

oh michelle i am so sorry. i know how much it hurts, but it really will get better. i agree...throw his stuff around. i bet it'll make you feel better. :) i'm thinking about you. *hugs*

Hope said...

Oh Michelle! I am so sorry.

I just want you to know that your reaction was COMPLETELY NORMAL. Please, don't let him make you feel like you're crazy. You're not.

He is forgetting that while he had precious time to think about what he wanted and think about his feelings and obviously take his sweet ol' time to figure things out before telling you...FOR YOU, IT WAS SOMETHING THAT CAME OUT OF THE BLUE!

One minute you're driving your shaky car thinking that thank god I'm in a good relationship and the next minute erm YOUR ENTIRE WORLD COMES CRASHING DOWN.

So, really, your reaction is completely normal given the circumstances. We are all here for you and I am thinking of you.

xxx

erin said...

I was away for a day, came by to see how you were and...wow, I don't even know what to say.

Of course it's normal to hurt so much that you are throwing things (and maybe even breaking some things) and that you feel totally blindsided by this. I've only been reading your blog for a couple of weeks, but it seems like from what you are saying now, that this relationship was a bit uneven. You were defintely putting in the effort, and maybe you weren't getting everything you should have been getting from Clancy.

Michelle, I'm hurting for you right now because this is just an awful situation. If you need anything, even more ridiculous cat pictures, I'll do what i can.

Tina Vaziri said...

You have every tight to be upset and angry. Anyone in their right mind would be! Leading you on and making plans and promises that he did not mean IS NOT OK! Ever. If he thinks he knows women and keeps going around treating them that way, he is in for a big surprise. There will come a time when someone is not going to take it as normally as you have, maybe then he will understand. Stupid boy.

PL said...

How you felt (feel)? TOTALLY NORMAL. I've thrown stuff, and I'm not even kidding.

The guy threw you a curveball from BEHIND you! People have their differences, but if he didn't and continues to not want you to understand how he's feeling about whatever he's dealing with, then you can't make it better alone. Communication takes effort and it takes two people. He didn't include you in his thought process, and that's his bad.

I think C, if he's been in this situation before ("with other girls" bleeeegh) he obviously has a commitment issue where he does what he feels he's "supposed to". You know, moving in together, playing house, doing the family thing. Like he gets to put you on a trial run to see if he really wants to be together! WTF! Not cool, not cool at all. He can't employ you to be the woman of the house and do so much for him and then be like, eh. Not feeling it. I call BS!

Sorry, I'm obviously an angry girl. And I don't pretend to know your exact situation. But you deserve better, and he's either not willing or not ready and you shouldn't have to deal with his issues. You'll find someone who is on the same wavelength as you are, and you'll be a stronger person because of all of this.

Michelle said...

It feels weird to me to be feeling so empathetic and sad, given that you're my new blogging friend and I've never even met you, but here I am, sitting at my computer and reading your post the same way I would any of my other friends. I'm so sorry you're going through this!

I could say all the things - you're better off... everything happens for a reason... you never know what door will open up next... you're strong and independent and don't need him... it's okay to mourn his loss even though he's still very much living... but you know all of this and will work through it with flying colors like any young, awesome, pretty, independent, twentysomething girl named Michelle would!

And I hope that part of that is by blogging so that we can be here to support and encourage you every step of the way. We've all been there.

I'm thinking of you!

(this was kinda long!)

tshirtandjeans said...

what a big doofus!!!!! that's all i can say right now! ugh! he'll wake up one day and realize it.

big hugs. i think the like 80+ comments over the past two days testify that you have so many people who love you and want the best for you. i know the broken heart is not going to heal for awhile, but please know we are ALL here for you no matter what you need... even if it's a trip to Kalamazoo ;)

tshirtandjeans said...

it's about 4 hours - not too bad in the scheme of things. let me know if you need a getaway in the next few weeks :)

Lisa said...

Hey Ps. Go to the website wefeelfine.org. The number one feeling is "better". The most common way to feel, is to feel better. I just found that incredibly uplifting, and thought I'd share it with you. :)

grungedandy said...

Ok I’m de-lurking for this one! & I’m afraid it looks like it’s gonna be a long one!
Been there at least twice in my life, once didn’t work out, once did!
What your feeling is akin to grief, I know he hasn’t died but the relationship has and this is what you’re grieving, and your reaction is PERFECTLY NORMAL, (yes I’m shouting) everyone grieves differently, and to say “his other girls friends didn’t react this way is not only stoopid, but incorrect how does he know what they did in the privacy of they’re own homes? They may not have loved him that much anyway! But I digress I don’t know him, and I’m not going to attack him for being an idiot! But I will call him an idiot for saying “he understands women” how patronising!
Anyway you obviously loved him and you were planning a life together, & then he put the breaks on!
The first time this happened to me my mother said I had to run hard in the other direction & I didn’t get it and made a total fool of myself, needless to say it didn’t work out & thankfully I look back on it as a lucky escape, although I’m still a little embarrassed about how I behaved & a little angry with the way he behaved!
The second time this happened to me I actually understood what my mother was trying so tell me the first time and it is the hardest thing I have had to do so far but I let him go, I got on with my life, I pretended to be strong, I still remained friends, I made it seem that he was a complete idiot for loosing me, I didn’t show off, I didn’t ring him all the time, (although I wanted to), I just got on with my life or at least I seem to but in real life to my friends & family I was a wreck, I cried myself t sleep almost every night, lost tones of weight (one of the only good things) and was generally moping around, but when ever he saw me I was fine & having a little fun with out him & he wasn’t so he started to realise what as ass he was! And it worked I’m still with him 11 years and counting, I’m not saying we’re perfect but we work on it!
So what ever happens, just hang in there, it will become easier, not sure who said this but it was my mantra for a while
If you love something, let it go
If it comes back, it’s yours.
If it doesn’t it never was.

Thinking of you
Seeya hugya

*G*

Ashley said...

Theres really nothing that I can say to make the pain and hurt go away but we've all been there and felt the pain you are feeling now. It really is a grieving process and time really is the only thing that will make it better. Mourn it, yell, scream, cry, (do whatever it takes to get it, and him, out of your system. (just don't punch walls, take it from me, you dont want your heart, and hands hurting) But blog away because it really is therapy to talk things out.

When I broke up with my ex, even though I was the one to break it off, it still was really really hard and i didn't find myself with many people to talk to. They all would say things like oh you'll find someone so much better, or he wasn't worth your time and i wanted to shake them because why else would i have dated him?? Theres a reason he was in your life, theres a reason you loved him and he loved you. And theres a reason why things turned out the way they did. You'll see that reason eventually, and you'll gain peace with it, but it may take some time.

If I lived close enough i'd so be showing up with bricks of chocolate and yummy baked goodies and hugs of course. Oh and a baseball bat to take him down.

Miriam said...

WE LOVE YOU!

I'm still here if you need me. And honey I will jump on a skybus flight and take you out for drinks if you want :)

Marriage-101 said...

Oh is he wrong! I have gone psycho batshit CRAZY thanks to my womanly hormones. (every month, actually. ha!) And what you're feeling? The physcial pain? It's real. It's called a severe case of broken heart. And it's not just a saying.

We've all been there. The one guy that we thought could make our dreams come true and we would spend the rest of our lives making them happy, only to have him throw our devotion back in our faces and walk away. How could he walk away from love that strong? How could he be so selfish and stupid? How could he see that the one woman who would do ANYTHING for him is standing right here and walk away from her? HOW?

Yeah. I've been on both sides of that fence. I truly believed that I would grow old and die a lonely, smelly cat lady. And I don't even like cats!

P.S. I did a little arm pump and a WHOO HOO when I saw my comment posted up there. And to whomever offered to make cookies/cake - I'm crying over here too! Send me some cake!

alyndabear said...

Michelle, it's like de ja vu when I read your post just now - because I've been there before. In fact, I want to email you about it, and see hwo you're doing more - which I'll do after work, as I'm running late.

More hugs to you - and I'll be thinking of you!

L Sass said...

Oh, Michelle, I am so sorry.

I have never felt crazier than when someone was breaking my heart like that. So, trust me, it is totally, 100% normal. You just feel like the whole world has gone insane... it can make you dizzy.

I am sending you tons of hugs from NYC. Also, I find that Ben & Jerry's works wonders. (The full-fat kind, please.)

Please email me if you ever need to vent.

xoxoxo

Angela said...

Oh, I am so, so sorry... All I can say is that I have been exactly where you are right now and there is no way in heck that you are handling this at all "abnormally" and I can't believe that he would tell you that you were. It is absolutely your right to feel mad, sad, hurt, betrayed, confused, and everything else you're feeling right now. We're all here for you whenever you need some "blog therapy", and I truly hope that the smiles start to outweigh the tears soon.

sweetanemone said...

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))

michelle, while i know that what i say isn't going to change your situation, i agree with everyone before me in that it is totally NORMAL to feel as you do and i am so impressed at the way you are holding it together. there is nothing wrong with feeling like the world is going to cave in, especially when things are such a surprise. feel what you feel and don't feel bad about it.

what has helped me in times like this, after you have got past the initial grief, is to do your absolute best not to focus on the what ifs (what ifs kill you) and look forward to the rest of your amazing life. everyone is right in that you are the most beautiful, amazing woman and i am sure that at just 25 there are many many many many amazing things in store for you (and husbands from heaven too!). if you want to go shopping, go shopping! if you want to go for a walk, go for a walk! if you want to sit at home and be sad, well that's ok, but probably best to go for a walk :) it feels like the hardest thing ever at first but it becomes so much easier and then before you know it, you have a better life than you did before the relationship.

i will totally join in on that cookie-baking action too (maybe something with pumpkin after all of that earlier inspiration! and choc chips!).

thinking of you xoxoxoxo

Nicole said...

Oh Michelle! I'm so sorry to read about this! I know exactly how you feel because I was suddenly and with no prior warning broken up with once too. It totally sucks and hurts. But eventually the pain lessens and we can move on, I promise!! You are in my thoughts. Sending HUGE HUGS your way! :)

rachel said...

Wow... you have become like THE blogger through this!~!!! Taht is one awesome thing - tons of new readers.

Well, you know I"m here for you. you can call me anytime. i'm honored you did tonight.

libby said...

sweetie i'm so late on this, and everything that can be said has been said.

HUGS HUGS HUGS.
and drinks in niagara. anytime, girlfriend. anytime!

ana said...

Checking up on you again....
Hope you are doin okay.
hugs.

Princess Pointful said...

You probably have 12 million hits today. I know I keep checking in because I'm a dork like that.
I hope you are out spoiling yourself :)

courtney said...

I don't even know what else to say but I feel like I should say something! I hardly know you but we've been reading each other's blogs so I FEEL like I know you and I know you must feel awful right now! Ugh. I'm probably not helping at all but I just want you to know that if I were anywhere near you right now I would drive to you and HUG YOU and tell you boys are stupid anyway.

Things will get better. They always do. They always, always do.

Elise said...

I'm the same. I know we don't "know" each other and we only "bloggy know" each other from recently. But my blog friends have so many times been there for me in ways that my real life friends never could have - and I want to be here for you!

Since I haven't "known" you for long, I don't have much of a background on the whole Clancy thing. What I do have some background on is YOU and on how awesome and hilarious and gorgeous YOU are. So for the boy, that's too bad. But for the girl, that's great! You're a catch, m'dear, and you'll be swept away sooner than you think.

Also, re: getting physically ill, crying incessantly, etc? TOTALLY NORMAL. Really.

cdp said...

sending you some love

xoxoxo

*Red said...

Just breathe. It will get easier. As someone who has gone through this things a zillion times with the same person, I know how hard it is. Just wait and breathe.

Jennie said...

I just stumbled upon your site, and I hope your heal quickly. I hope breathing and moving through your day gets easier. I hope life and love are kind to you again soon.

We've all been there, sure. It doesn't make the pain any less devastating or any less shocking.

Katelin said...

hugs and hugs.

Nic said...

I am so so sorry this happened. How utterly rotten.

Deep breaths and chocolate...

janet said...

argh I am so sorry! that is just the worst feeling ever. But you're right...that little kitten does help!

Samantha said...

I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I've been there and I would not wish for anyone to go through what you are going through right now. I hate to hear about wonderful women suffering. You are in my thoughts and {{{hugs}}} to you

The Mouse said...

OMGosh, I am so very, very sorry. This totally sucks, stinks, bites, and is terrible. The crying, keening, wailing, anger, physically sick stuff is all normal so don't let anyone tell you differently.

That he played the Move In With Me and How We'll Raise Our Kids card and then pulls this crap is reprehensible. Men who 'understand' women don't do this crap.

You'll get through it. Keep blogging, keep talking, keep on goin'.

The Sisterhood is united around you.

might I add...? said...

I'm brand-new to your blog, so I hope you don't mind my commenting here, but I just felt I needed to reach out and let you know that you're NOT abnormal. It is so totally normal to feel how you're feeling right now. And he sounds like he's been a jerk about this whole thing. You're absolutely right, you don't ask someone to move in with you when you're not serious about them, duh.

Unfortunately, you have to be where you are right now in order to get to the other side, where things will be fine (and even though it's hard to believe, things WILL be fine again one day). You have to go *through* it to get through it. Does that make sense? You can't go *around* it.

Let your friends take care of you, get it all out, cry as much as you need to, know that others have been there, too, and that one day it will start to feel better (really).

It seems like you have a lot of people who care about you, so know you're not alone. Seriously.

karen said...

no way!!!!!!!
i'm so sorry sweetie!
please know i'm thinking of you & sending happy thoughts.
you will get through it. i promise.
i think it's time for some chocolate... :)

L B said...

michelle,
I am not reading this blog until NOW which explains my lack of response. My blogging heart goes out to you...cyber hug? As much as I am sad this also makes me extremely angry. You love him and you showed him you loved him all the time. That is something I aspire to do. You are amazing and you REALLY don't deserve this. I have to continue reading your posts...more comments ahead I am sure.
~LB