Gay, Straight, Or Taken?

The age old question every single girl asks herself when she sees hottie material. (It's also a reality dating show on Lifetime, quite lame, but gets the point across.)

In the real world, it's not as simple as picking the straight available man, however. There are many sub-categories your potential suitor could fall into that parallel hiding his wedding ring in his back pocket. I will detail below a few I have encountered myself in recent dating escapades (all of which you will want to AVOID at all costs):

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The wallflower: He's usually alone at the bar. Leaning against the wall, beer in hand, watching you from afar. He may shift positions to get closer to where you're seated. You smile, he winks. But when you make eye contact for too long he looks away, fearful that you may have caught him checking out your cleavage. When your friend makes a trip to the restroom, the empty chair... remains empty.

• Why you want to steer clear: If he can't grow a pair and actually TALK to you, who's going to be making all the moves in bed? Sounds like too much work if you ask me.

The smooth-talker: He brings his A-game round one. "You have a beautiful smile" is his leading line. Not lame, but not sleazy either. It's easy to fall for his quick wit and irresistible charm. By the end of the night, he thinks he has this one in the bag.

• Why you don't want to go back to his place: His A-game will only last that one round. The sweet compliments and tender kisses are out the window on date #2. He's the guy who likes to hit it and quit it. If you know what I mean...

The booty call: This guy will usually be with a bunch of friends at the bar. A crowd pleaser. Normally gathered around the pool table, arcade bowling machine or dart board. He'll ask you to join in, this way the whole group can flirt with you. He doesn't seem to mind that you're getting everyone else's attention.

• Why you shouldn't hand out the digits: This guy isn't interested in a serious relationship. He thinks you have a nice ass and would be fun to make out with. His calls will consistently come Sunday evenings after 10 p.m. or after a late night at the strip joint.

The extracurricular overachiever:: In conversation you find out that after his 9-5, he works a second job three times a week. He seems put-together, determined, with a good head on his shoulders. He then goes into detail about his many hobbies: biking, golf, hiking, the two softball leagues he plays for every week. How he barely has time for sleep, and comes home to Conan O'Brien every night.

• Why you shouldn't pencil him in for a date: Don't get me wrong, it's nice when your significant other has a life outside of you. If I didn't have my weekly date nights with Anna, happy hours with different friends, volunteer work or (soon-to-be) golf lessons, I would be a pretty boring person. But, with a life as jam packed as his seems, you will find it impossible to squeeze into his routine. And besides, where does sex fit in to that schedule of his? Dead last. RUN.

And finally,

The over-exaggerator: Constantly references his many "achievements". How he turned down Harvard to stay close to home and care for his elderly relative or neighbor. That he could have taken that fantastic corporate job right out of college that paid six figures, but it was his dream to Save Darfur.

• Why you should avoid a kiss from those tainted lips: With so many lies escaping that dirty mouth of his, how will you ever know where it's really been? And girls, if he's not being up front about something as simple as what he does for a living, should you believe it when he tells you he's pleased every woman he's ever been with? I think not.

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Have any categories of your own to share?

Oh, and just in case you fear you won't be able to resist guys like the ones mentioned above due to their six pack abs, cute dimples, nice ass or fabulous head of hair; simply wear this t-shirt:



Because you're worth it ;)