Tuesday, July 1, 2008

Gay, Straight, Or Taken?

The age old question every single girl asks herself when she sees hottie material. (It's also a reality dating show on Lifetime, quite lame, but gets the point across.)

In the real world, it's not as simple as picking the straight available man, however. There are many sub-categories your potential suitor could fall into that parallel hiding his wedding ring in his back pocket. I will detail below a few I have encountered myself in recent dating escapades (all of which you will want to AVOID at all costs):



The wallflower: He's usually alone at the bar. Leaning against the wall, beer in hand, watching you from afar. He may shift positions to get closer to where you're seated. You smile, he winks. But when you make eye contact for too long he looks away, fearful that you may have caught him checking out your cleavage. When your friend makes a trip to the restroom, the empty chair... remains empty.
  • Why you want to steer clear: If he can't grow a pair and actually TALK to you, who's going to be making all the moves in bed? Sounds like too much work if you ask me.


The smooth-talker: He brings his A-game round one. "You have a beautiful smile" is his leading line. Not lame, but not sleazy either. It's easy to fall for his quick wit and irresistible charm. By the end of the night, he thinks he has this one in the bag.
  • Why you don't want to go back to his place: His A-game will only last that one round. The sweet compliments and tender kisses are out the window on date #2. He's the guy who likes to hit it and quit it. If you know what I mean...


The booty call: This guy will usually be with a bunch of friends at the bar. A crowd pleaser. Normally gathered around the pool table, arcade bowling machine or dart board. He'll ask you to join in, this way the whole group can flirt with you. He doesn't seem to mind that you're getting everyone else's attention.
  • Why you shouldn't hand out the digits: This guy isn't interested in a serious relationship. He thinks you have a nice ass and would be fun to make out with. His calls will consistently come Sunday evenings after 10 p.m. or after a late night at the strip joint.


The extracurricular overachiever:: In conversation you find out that after his 9-5, he works a second job three times a week. He seems put-together, determined, with a good head on his shoulders. He then goes into detail about his many hobbies: biking, golf, hiking, the two softball leagues he plays for every week. How he barely has time for sleep, and comes home to Conan O'Brien every night.
  • Why you shouldn't pencil him in for a date: Don't get me wrong, it's nice when your significant other has a life outside of you. If I didn't have my weekly date nights with Anna, happy hours with different friends, volunteer work or (soon-to-be) golf lessons, I would be a pretty boring person. But, with a life as jam packed as his seems, you will find it impossible to squeeze into his routine. And besides, where does sex fit in to that schedule of his? Dead last. RUN.

And finally,

The over-exaggerator: Constantly references his many "achievements". How he turned down Harvard to stay close to home and care for his elderly relative or neighbor. That he could have taken that fantastic corporate job right out of college that paid six figures, but it was his dream to Save Darfur.
  • Why you should avoid a kiss from those tainted lips: With so many lies escaping that dirty mouth of his, how will you ever know where it's really been? And girls, if he's not being up front about something as simple as what he does for a living, should you believe it when he tells you he's pleased every woman he's ever been with? I think not.



Have any categories of your own to share?

Oh, and just in case you fear you won't be able to resist guys like the ones mentioned above due to their six pack abs, cute dimples, nice ass or fabulous head of hair; simply wear this t-shirt:



Because you're worth it ;)

45 comments:

Di Pie said...

am really digging that shirt!

Auburn Kat said...

Cute shirt!

I've been finding the men that I meet are either a) taken or b) is scared of commitment. I've since given up! Like your shirt says, I'm worth it, so a guy can work for me.

Sara Jane said...

The Serial Monogamist: He's sweet and charming. He loves to be in a relationship. In fact, he's in one right now. He sees it fizzling out so he's lining you up to be his next gf, because he can't be faithfull to the one he currently has (he will cheat on you too), but he can't stand not being in a relationship.

I've met him!

PS- Love the T!

Z said...

Love the shirt! And the guys... oh yes ;) Nothing to add, but I've met them all...

distractedspunk said...

Cute shirt!

And cute blog!

The Dutchess of Kickball said...

The Confused: You go on one or two dates and have a great time. He calls, but never really voices approval in moving forward, but never voices disapproval either. Does he or doesn't he? Will he or won't he. You never can tell.

Run away. You'll end up breaking up three times in six months.

rachel said...

I've been out of the dating scene for so long... I don't know miuch about this stuff. I just know my husband's type.

The slightly shy, but once you get talking totally dramatic, enthusiastic kind of semi-nerd music guy. :)

notthelifeiordered said...

Excellent list and EXCELLENT SHIRT!

I have one to add....the over-eager. Whos way too keen on getting your attention, over does it with the compliments and calls you about 5 times a day. AKA CLINGY!!

Kristen said...

our waitress had that t-shirt on this weekend. :)

nuttycow said...

WANT that shirt.

Where did you get it?

Rachel said...

That is TOO cute! Where did you get the shirt? And I would totally wear that to a bar one night, even just for fun!

Scotty said...

From a guy, totally funny. And true.

Trish Ryan said...

This post should be required reading for every women over the age of nine. And the t-shirt should be given out on our 13th birthdays!

Well done :)

MrsTwink said...

Those categories (and t-shirt) are PERFECT!

What can I add...
The Over-Texter: Writes you cute, sweet and witty text messages constantly but never actually calls. Will set up all dates and meet-ups through text. Once you're face to face, you learn he's only cute through texts since he can't actually hold a full conversation outside of "Can't wait 2 C U".

Annie said...

Um, I'm totally an over booked extra curricular girl. Shit!

How about the "I'm Already In Love With You" guy? You know, the one who claims he knew he wanted to be with you as soon as you had a conversation and that he's willing to do anything (literally) to be with you. I will wait on your every call. I plan my days around the time I spend thinking about you and what you may possibly be doing. If you allow me, I'll sit in your townhouse and do your dishes for you just so that when you come home from work, you'll have more time to be with meeeee.

Some may find this romantic, and perhaps I'm just a skeptic, but, phew, those guys are exhausting!

Deutlich said...

Uhm.. I need that shirt.

Noelle said...

The guy who you never thought was attractive until he started dating one of your friends.

Or is that just me?

ChasingParadise said...

I want that shirt! lol!

L Sass said...

Hilarious shirt!

I enjoy the "I am Currently Entangled In Romantic Drama With Another Girl But Surely There Is Room for YOU" Guy. Run, run away!

Paula said...

The "tortured artist" guy who thinks he has to be angsty in order to be creative - in other words, he ends up treating whatever girl he ends up with like crap in order to be able to "use his experience" . . .

I like l sass's one above though!!!

Valerie said...

The Flake: He will be REALLY EXCITED TO SEE YOU, tell you all sorts of wonderful things about yourself while you're together, and then completely ignore the hell out of you. WTF? So that's what VALERIE is dealing with!!

Elise said...

That was hilarious and you are adorable.

Katelin said...

haha, i love the shirt. rock it michelle, rock it.

Princess Pointful said...

Greatest shirt ever... and way to rock it, girl!
I'm going to be so useless if I ever have to date again.

Surfergrrl said...

i need to get that shirt! ha ha! good post!

Passionista said...

Good advice and love that shirt! I have one that says "Waiting for the right one" in front and "sorry it's not you" on the back. It's my personal fave for the bar :)

Alexa said...

work that shirt, rock it michelle.

Yoda said...

Maybe the extra curricular achiever will give up Golf for a round in bed? you never know till date #2!!

Watta T!

Hiya, I'm Kristie. said...

What an awesome list. Must print out and carry with me!

Carmen Vargas said...

OMG! love it!

La Petite Belle
http://lapetitebelle.typepad.com

said...

Damn! I always fall for the smooth-talker! He says, "You have beautiful eyes." I think, "Do me right here in this crowded bar."

Thats terrible. Really is.


No wonder I have freakin commitment issues!

Kim said...

1. All ABSOLUTELY TRUE! 2. Love the shirt and finally 3. The basketcase- He is sweet, kind hearted and in tune with you...but he cries more at bambi's mother getting shot than you did when you were 5 years old. I want a man, not a freaking pansy.

Sarah said...

HA love it. That shirt is so Pacey!I think you should also add "The Visibly Drunk". Maybe I just attract that kind of guy (lucky me) but nothing is worse than a clearly ineebed guy telling you HEY YER HOT.

K said...

WANT THAT SHIRT no.. need that shirt!

Dabby said...

NOTHING is worse than the "bootycall"! Except for the "Perfect Guy". The Perfect Guy will not have any real (noticeable)flaws and you've been dating for so long that you just want a little stability and you decide to "settle". Then you find out he's actually been sneaking around to make sure YOU are the Perfect Girl. Contrary to what some men think, the female population is not their personal box of chocolates they can sample simultaneously.

I will say that the nightmare of dating has made me appreciate my relationship with the love of my life even more.

Phil said...

Very well said. I've got two more to add. They're both the vantage point of yours truly (both are true stories), and while they're based on my own gay experience, I imagine they transcend sexuality.

1. "The Cruiser" - The guy who stalks you at the local bookstore and keeps trying to catch your eye. How attractive is this? NEGATIVE TEN.

2. "The Stud-Muffin" - The guy who buys you a beer at the bar and, to say "You're welcome," he comes up and embraces you and tries to lay one on you. How attractive is this? Hard to say, because you're generally too stunned to be able to think about that.

East Coast Teacher said...

That. Shirt. Rocks.

I definitely need it.

bloggingbarbie said...

"He's the guy who likes to hit it and quit it. If you know what I mean..."

HAHAHAHHAHAHA.

AHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA.

HAHHA HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAH HAHHAHAHA.

p.s. i'm totes borrowing that shirt.

pinksundrops said...

Love the shirt. And you totally pull it off!

Hmm, wish I could add one, but I'm too caught up in my current man issues to even see them clearly!

pinksundrops said...

Love the shirt. And you totally pull it off!

Hmm, wish I could add one, but I'm too caught up in my current man issues to even see them clearly!

k said...

Love the shirt!

I haven't "dated" in so long (and I'm single - go figure) that I can't even come up with anything.

k said...

oh wait, I just read a previous comment... I have a problem always ending up with the "I'm not sure I ever want to get married" guy. WTF?!?! After 2 in a row like this, I am seriously considering asking on the first date if marriage is in their future just to make sure that I don't get in too deep before figuring this out.

Meghan said...

Great list!

PrincessB said...

LOVE the shirt! And to add:

"The guy who will never get over his first love"-it's been YEARS and he still pines for her. But he hides that fact until you're already drawn in. Run away, run away.

Therapeutic Ramblings said...

That shirt is awesome!!