Thursday, October 18, 2007

The Last Post?

Dear Clancy,

Hi. I have a secret to tell you. You know that post I wrote yesterday? The one filled with reasons I hate men? Let's just say anger may have taken over there for a minute. Don't get me wrong, I want so badly to be the tough girl I seem to be in my writing. I really wish I was. But you of all people know that this has been so hard for me. That my heart and soul are literally breaking. And that I've been anything but tough. But somehow you've been big enough to listen. You've rode on my roller coaster ride, kept me from falling off. But soon I'll need to ride it alone. I'm scared for that day to come.

I don't want to make you out to be the bad guy. Because I know in your heart you think you're doing the right thing. Maybe you are. Maybe one day I will see that. For now I will hold on to our memories. Be grateful that I still can see you every day (if only for a short time) even though it's not the same. It's funny how someone can break your heart and you can still love them with all the little pieces.*

I've been avoiding the radio, CDs or any kind of music because everything seems to remind me of you. Despite my attempts, "When I'm Up I Can't Get Down" just keeps playing over and over in my head. Remember when you found out I liked Great Big Sea? You about flipped out. I will never forget the look on your face. And when I handed you those concert tickets the tears welled up in your eyes (if only for a second) and that brought me so much joy.

So many memories like that keep passing through my mind. I've thought back to the day I came back from Christmas vacation and you surprised me by showing up on my doorstep with flowers telling me how much you had missed me. And of course the day you surprised me with Holly. The trip to the conservatory, you were so excited to share your love of art with me. Someone who appreciates it as much as you do. And I'll never forget the day I thought I was "dying". Who knew we would laugh so hard about it later? Halloween was a blast last year. We were still getting to know each other and you may have even been caught dancing with me! But I guess I should know about sneaky dancing moves -- like when you caught me in that photo busting a move in your new house before you bought it. Seeing that cracks me up everytime.

I will hold on to those memories and all of the others stored in my heart. I could never hate you. I may yell, scream, cry, and curse the world but I will never hate you. You know how I feel about you. I've said it a million times. I wish things could be different. I really do.

Love,
Michelle

*stolen from Jenni



"Faith in Love" Reba McEntire & Rascal Flatts duet

You felt this coming on, you've seen it for a while.
But there are no regrets between us, we can leave here with a smile.
We have to talk about it, what we've always known.
The hardest part about today, is tonight we'll be alone.

We were just two hearts, bound for different roads.
Why they didn't lead us to forever, we may never know.
Oh, I will carry you with me,
I will hold on to our memories.
Don't let the dreams we didn't find make you feel like giving up.
Keep holding on and don't lose your faith in love.

Life's gonna move on and the pages have to turn.
We'll be stronger people now, from the lessons that we learned.
This one's gonna hurt, it's a little deeper break.
But just know I'm praying for you, as I watch you walk away.

It can hold you, it can save you.
From anything or anyone.
Heaven knows who's waiting for you, when two herts come undone.
Oh I will carry you with me,
I will hold on to our memories.
Don't let the dreams we didn't find make you feel like giving up.
Keep holding on, and don't lose your faith.
Oh, never, ever lose your faith in love.

26 comments:

Jess said...

I am so impressed at how well you are holding up and how poised you are and at what great perspective you already have on the situation. I think you are doing great and I know that most of us can relate to the feelings you're talking about here.

The Lisa Show said...

This was beautiful and gracious and everything you are. I cried while reading this. I'm so sorry you have to go through this.

Marriage-101 said...

I have nothing else to say except, I've been there too.

Sarah said...

I feel like I've been exactly where you are. It'll get better, and I know that you already know that, but it makes me feel better to say it. You are not defined by the relationship you had. You are a completely whole, completely wonderful person all on your own. Take lots of deep breaths. Go watch the clouds. It gets easier.

Ashlie said...

To bad you didn't live in Maryland! I would take you out for a margarita or two.

That was a really great post.

thecasualperfectionist.com said...

I have to agree with Sarah (see comment above this one) and quote something she said, "You are not defined by the relationship you had." That was so hard for me to learn when I went through my break up...but it's so TRUE. Hang in there, sweetie. Every day will get you toward a better place...

Jenni said...

I'm crying...

That letter was so sweet. Sometimes it feels like you are in my head! I feel the same exact way.

It's so hard to hate them...

...when you've loved them with all of your heart...and still do.

L Sass said...

Ouch. My heart hurts for you. Hope today's a little better than yesterday.

courtney said...

The RF/Reba song is SO PERFECT for you right now, isn't it?

Do you listen to Frank Sinatra at all? Someday, maybe not today, but someday, find a recording of "Can't Take That Away from Me." I really really hope you can find that feeling, and I hope you find it sooner than later.

Jennie said...

Of course you don't hate him. Imagine how easy it would be if you did. But you'll get through. I'm thinking of you.

libby said...

holy crikey woman. actually crying tears for real here. oh gosh. a lovely, lovely post.

(i can't wait to see your purse)

onebigholiday said...

You are tough, you can do this.

L B said...

you are one classy woman. i am learning from you girl. thank you.

mcgee said...

=(

i'm so impresed that you can be so gracious.

Clink said...

Dear Michelle,

You are the definition of class.

I heart you and am awed by you and have no doubt that your faith in love will be restored.

Love,

Clink

Slightly Disorganized said...

I heart you too. Remember what I said about one day at a time.

Miriam said...

Oh Honey, it will get better. If it helps you should listen to Showtunes! :) Go over to my page and watch the Bend and Snap!

I heart you :)

cdp said...

What Clink said.

You are amazing. Strong, and graceful, and beautiful and amazing.

Much love.

molly said...

Gah I'm hurting for you. But I think you're taking all the right steps towards healing.

xoxo

Princess Extraordinaire said...

You are one amazing girl who's taking awesome care of herself...keep on doing what you're doing and you'll be okay...even better you'll be incresdibly happy!

Ripe for Reading said...

I am proud of you for being so strong - or appearing to even if you feel inside that you are not.

You WILL get through this.

Samantha said...

That was a really beautiful letter. I promise (promise promise promise) that in time your pain will subside. {{{hugs}}}

Princess Pointful said...

People have used the word grace a lot about me, but if the shoe fits...

You really do hold you morals above all else. And that is an amazing trait, especially in the face of everything that has been going on for you.

ana said...

Its hard to keep your head held high, and be all courteous and gracious...and write a heart felt note when you feel all shattered....you just became my hero....I couldn't do it, when I should have...

Anonymous said...

hey michelle!

i'd like to echo what everyone else is saying...you're doing remarkably well considering the situation...it's clear that you're smart, intelligent, and all around awesome...so i'm going to give you some advice...

1. don't build a monument to this guy...don't make your life all about him right now...i know it's hard because the break up was/is devastating but this is one of those things you MUST do eventhough it hurts so bad....for instance, don't have the timer thing on your blogger site saying how much time has passed since he broke your heart...that only reinforces his power over you and your life...you are so a complete whole person regardless of this relationship...you can't let him get the better of you right now...he's clearly delusional and not 'the one' if he was dumb enough to let you go.

so now, please, let him go. or you will go crazy. definitely still write/blog about it because than can be like therapy, but take off the timer, and slowly remove the pics...so you can make room for other good stuff in your life...(travel, friends, food, adventures!)....he was/is not good for you right now...neither is that memory...

one day you'll look back and now this was the right decision...

ps- i admire you...break ups are soooo hard and you're going to be ok. seriously. seriously. i promise.

sending lots of HUGS & Kisses !

- Jessica

Chic Girl said...

Oh I just found your blog and I am so sorry that you are going through such a tough situation. It takes time to heal from any loss. Be good to yourself.