Friday, September 19, 2008

The Douche Pickle Discussion

When girls get together to gossip there are no holds barred. Pretty much anything is up for discussion. Guys, you've probably heard about this and it's one thing that is 100% true (and yes, we do talk about size). We might also bring up your third nipple, Transformers tattoo, how you had something in between your teeth at dinner, that you use the word 'pumpkin' or 'schnookums', that you were clung to us like a dryer sheet by the fifth date, and everything else you hoped stayed a secret. It's just what girls do.

But lately, in my circle of friends, the conversation always winds up about douche pickles. Since we have so much fun talking about them, I thought I'd share the terminology with you.

Generally speaking, a douche pickle (or DP) is a guy who acts a fool. But this can be broken down into different categories. There are guys who act a fool because of you. This type of DP makes a fool of himself because he is really into you. Then there are guys who act a fool repeatedly because they are just not good guys. This type of DP is more deceptive and if you're not careful can wind up making a fool out of you.

I seem to have more of a problem with the deceptive DPs. The ones who charm you, get to know you, and only when they have you completely convinced that they're a good guy, you are hit with DP behavior. I know DPs are never boyfriend material, but a lot of times they're too cute to resist.

Examples of DP behavior that have happened to me and/or friends of mine recently:

  • keeping you secret from friends/family
  • only hanging out on your side of town
  • having a 'girlfriend'
  • 4-5 days without any sort of communication and no clear explanation why
  • picking you up for dinner, paying and then specifically not using the word "date"
  • calling you on Thursday night to make plans for the weekend and expecting you to be free
  • making comments about your guy friends
  • criticizing the way you wear your hair, decorate your apartment or organize your shoes
  • not calling 'the day after'
I could go on, but I think you're getting the picture. Now you know when to properly use the phrase and can have as much fun as we do saying the words 'douche pickle'!

Girls, do you and your girlfriends use any other fun phrases when talking about guys?

Guys, don't be offended, I know you're not all DPs ;)

"And then I said to that DP..."


Anonymous said...

That is the best term EVER. I shall share the DP with all of my girls.

Anonymous said...

p.s. We only use Douche. We're going to have to make up some new words.

Maxie said...

we use cunt muppet to describe people we hate...

and candycane means bent you know what. HA

Deutlich said...

^cunt muppet? that is the most fabulous thing I've heard in forever.

between cunt muppet and douche pickle, i think I'm set for life

Anonymous said...

haha. fun post. We call lame guys- DB for Douchebag. Similar meanings as you described in the post :)

Anonymous said...

Oh how I've missed you! This is just ONE of the multiple reasons why I'm so glad you're back to blogging. :)

Douche, Worthless POS, etc. The usuals. But Douche Pickle? That really cracks me up!

dmb5_libra said...

i usually just call them fucking assholes...i know so original.

i need to use douche pickle. original :)

Larissa said...

Wait, where does the "pickle" part come from?

I'd call that kind of guy a straight up jackass.

Katelin said...

douche pickle is definitely a new phrase for my books, but i am a fan. granted i agree with larissa, i might just call him a jackass instead, haha.

Gigi said...

I call those types of guys "shitty dudes". but I really like douche pickle.

Stacie said...

omg, yeah we all talk about these things...but never have we has such a FABULOUS term like DOUCHE PICKLE!!


osojazyinc said...

.. okay dont laugh and dont think im completely gross.

but.. we use 2 terms

cum bucket.. i couldnt tell you where it came from.

and weenis. again i dont know where they came from but..

hey .. it is what it is !

Anonymous said...

The guy I just decided I'm not going to date anymore did these things:

* 4-5 days without any sort of communication and no clear explanation why
* picking you up for dinner, paying and then specifically not using the word "date"
* calling you on Thursday night to make plans for the weekend and expecting you to be free
* making comments about your guy friends
* not calling 'the day after'

UGH!!! What a DP!!! Good thing I'm not dating him anymore!

Boston Pariah said...

haha ok this is going to sound ridiculous, but my girls and i call them fuckpits... and i'm not sure why, but i think by just having the word fuck in there it releases so much more stress than by just saying "that jackass".

also use the word fuckpittery when describing a fuckpit's behavior.

Katie said...

Ya know, I just got out of a relationship... with a guy (I felt the need to pinpoint this fact) and I always wondered what it was that made him an I know..He's a DP! :)

Take Care!

PS, Love your stuff! <3

Lady Glen said...

douche pickle ftw. seriously, genius.

but what's the girl version, do you suppose? douche picklette?

cdp said...

So I'm late in saying this but I'm so glad you're back.

Also I was going to try to come up with something funny my friends and I say and then I read cunt muppet and it was all over.

brandy said...

Douche pickle may be the greatest term ever. Just saying.

Annie said...

Woah, woah, woah. What guy has ever criticized a girl on her show organization?! Even my boyfriend, an ex-Army Ranger, who keeps everything he owns in meticulous order, doesn't bat an eye at my piles of shoes... at least, I don't think he does...

Anyway, same boyfriend has a theory that 85% of men are worthless to women. 10% have some use, but only the top 5% are worth our time. My friends and I have picked up on this theory, endorse it, and now whenever a guy is being a DP we immediately mark him an 85! It's great!

Passionista said...

Those two words together sound really foul to me for some reason, but I guess that's the point! lol I could definitely use the abbreviation with my gfs though :).

Anonymous said...

Douche Pickle is about the greatest thing I've heard all day- I love it!! I tend to rotate my names used- Cornballs, Toolboxes, Dbags.. you get the idea. ;)

mary evelyn said...


I'm relatively new to the blog scene, but I've enjoyed reading yours. I'm also a graphic designer, I live in the Chicago area, and I'm loving every minute of it :o)

I have just experienced a DP quality behavior from a guy I just started seeing - the 4 to 5 days of no communication with no reason that I can see. I really want to call him out on it, because I think behavior like that is just plain rude. If I do that, am I crossing into psycho bitch mode? Thoughts?