Guys I am enlisting your help. The worrying I mentioned in my last post? Maybe I wasn't as forthcoming as I should have been. It's gotten out of control. Yes, you all comforted me by saying "it's a girl thing". And while I believe that is true, I'm beginning to wonder if I'm over the top.
Mostly I worry about the future. I hate not knowing where my life is headed and I've been feeling like I'm in a sort of limbo lately. I like my job, I love my boyfriend, I have great family and friends. The here and now is good but I can't seem to focus on living in the now.
Your twenties are such a weird time because it's a transition period. You graduate college and enter the "real world". Often times experiencing your first real job, first time living on your own, first serious relationship, etc. That's a lot to deal with at once. And at the same time you're also dreaming of what's to come. The time in your life where you get to settle down with the person you love and start a life together.
I was just talking last night with a friend of mine about engagements. She's been dating her boyfriend for six years and they're finally getting married this year (possibly in Vegas!). While it's all very exciting now, she was telling me it was hard for her to wait that long. Really hard. Seeing other girls she works with walking around with rings on their fingers made her want more. (We also discussed the kicker - when you see a rather unattractive girl with an engagement ring and think to yourself, "If she is engaged, what is wrong with me?")
Me? I don't want to get married right now, but I want to know that's where my life is headed. The problem is you can never really know. The fact that I'm a control freak doesn't help either. There are certain things in my life I can control, but the future isn't one of them. I want answers to unanswerable questions. I'm afraid I'm always going to want more and I don't know how to overcome that.
But dammit I'm going to try.
Any advice? I could really use it ;)
Thursday, May 1, 2008
In Need Of A Dr. Phil Stand In
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I'm not so much a control freak but I totally know where you are at when you want to know where your life is headed. Patience is my problem, I have none of it. My boyfriend tells me we are going to get married, but I always think actions are louder than words and want to know it will really happen. As for seeing other girls with rings on their finger - I'm so with y'all on that. I don't know how your friend held out for six years - whoo - she deserves a medal. I get so tied up with frustration when I hear of people who've been dating their BF for a shorter amount of time, than me and mine, and are already engaged. I'm like WTF?!?
It's like you took a page right out of my life story. I get it. I really do. It's so easy to say "live in the now", but I think it's really hard to achieve.
I know what my immediate future holds, but I still question what lies beyond that. How can you not? I think it's about baby steps. Think about today, think about tomorrow, and let the rest fall in place naturally.
This is commonly now referred to as the "quarterlife crisis". there is a book out there with that title and the author's first name is Alexandra or something. I'll look it up for you.
Advice from an almost 32 year old who has been there: try not to get wrapped up in the weddings and engagements. It does seem like there are so many right now because it is a big time for that. However, 50% of marriages fail and it is so important to take your time and know YOU before getting into a marriage. And for your guy to know himself. NOTHING is wrong with you. You'll get engaged and married when the time is really right for you. Try and ignore society's pressures and do what is good for you.
If you ever need to talk, I'm here. Been there chica!
This is a part of our 20's - it really is. I get restless and question everything - but I know that things definitely fall into place, and unless you are willing to make a big change (moving, new job, etc) all the other stuff is just going to happen the way it should. Its something we have to learn to 'control' - our desire to know everything - when part of the fun is just seeing how it all lays out in front of us, like some big master plan. Don't stress too much honey!
I'm totally a control freak and was going through the same crisis a few years ago. Then a few years ago, this great job opportunity just fell into my lap, and things seem on track now (I just turned 30.) My advice is to keep your eyes open, take risks when they come your way, and don't compare yourself to other girls. That way madness lies.
Also, this is the most important thing: your life is happening right now. If you wait for a milestone, like marriage, a career, or a new home to be the "start" of your life, you'll never be happy, because you'll immediately be looking for the next milestone, and as you get older, they keep coming: family, second home, investments, etc. Enjoy what you have now, or you'll never enjoy what you have later.
I think I'm going through this right now. I mean, I got married but there is still the question of, "what do I want to do with my life?"
I hate to say the worrying never ends but I totally feel that uncertainty. Now I worry about jobs (am I happy doing what I'm doing? Should I make a career change?), children (do I want them? when?), money, the housing market, etc.
I think the career thing is what worries me the most. I am in the same boat as you but mostly in the job respect and not knowing where things are headed is killing me softly.
Not knowing what the future holds really sucks. Like really truly sucks.
When will they invent time machines?
Some days are easier than others. Sometimes it's easy to stay in the moment and love the life you have and find yourself filled with gratitude for each day as it unfolds. Sometimes, all you can think is, "OK, but what happens next?" No one gets a guarantee. Being engaged doesn't guarantee you'll actually get married (exhibit A, right here)...being married doesn't mean you'll stay that way. Having a good job doesn't guarantee that you'll love that job. All kinds of things can happen that throw off your plans -- good things and bad things. But if you try to be mindful, to stay in the present, that can help. I don't know if you're spiritual at all, but I have some friends who maintain their focus on the here-and-now by clearing time in their schedules every day (or week) for some meditation. Taking a few minutes to clear your mind of everything, a few minuets just to *be*, apparently works wonders. I still haven't found time to try it, though... :)
Feeling like you can't control things is the biggest way to start worrying. And also feeling like you're spending your present planning for your future is so frustrating.
I have no magic answers, but maybe try to focus on the things you can control? Like if you're feeling out of shape, go to the gym more. Or if you're frustrated with your job, start looking for a new one. Taking charge of the things you can change can help you feel better about the things you can't.
*heart* you. This is EXACTLY how i feel most of the time (at least lately) I'm such a control freak its unbelieveable. I want to know whats going on and I want to control it. Its very very hard for me to just let the future happen to me. To just sit back and enjoy the ride.
And I get that way with engagement rings sometimes. I want to be in a relationship, i'm sick of dating and then i see a girl whos not particularily attractive whos got a HUGE rock on her finger (downside of living in an affluent neighborhood) I wonder why she can get a guy but I cannot? Sigh.
I'd say I can't wait for my 30s to begin, but i have feeling they'll be much the same.
I totally, totally understand where you are coming from. I am a master worrier. For a lot of the 20s stuff, knowing that so much is ahead and, Oh, My Gosh is that scary, I turn to The Go Girls Guide to Your 20s. For some reason it makes everything seem so perfectly normal.
The feeling of "no control" is a tough one, and I think we all struggle with it worse at certain times in our lives. It sounds like you are in a bad spell, and the only thing to do is to allow yourself to dream about your future without feeling guilty about it, and realize that even when you get to that future, there will be other things you are thinking about and wanting. Like for me, I wanted to get married and when I finally did, I loved it and it was new and fresh for a while, but then you move onto the new want "well i really want a house... once i get my own house everything will be perfect"... so then we got our own house and inheret a whole new set of problems! And then, your biological clock turns on and everyoen around you is having beautiful babies, and you think, "oh if only i had a child, then THEN life would be complete..." and it is beautiful when it happens (i'm sure) but makes for a whole change in your life!
In other words, the grass is always greener. I think you just live life for what it is today, make the most of the little moments and enjoy every piece of it. I do believe though, that if your life stays in tehs ame place for too long (particularly with the Boyfriend) then its time for a talk about "where is our future and where are we headed"... at some point in time.
You shouldn't stay in teh same place forever, but don't be in too big of a rush to move on.
From a Christian perspective, I believe life is half what you make of it and how you life, and half out of your control and in God's hands. When I feel completely out of control and scared and worried is when I surrender that other half of my life to Him and believe that He has a plan, and all will work out even with wrong decisions according to that plan! (sorry to get preachy, but its my position on worrying in life) He feeds the birds and sparrows, so will he not care about you just as much?
And about your walking comment on my blog, i know what you mean - obviously you know how busy my roads are, but luckily i have sidewalks so there are a lot of places to go. sometimes I'll drive to the peninsula too, theres nothing wrong with getting in your car to go to a better spot!
ok done commenting now :)
I was one of those girls who had to wait a long time to get engaged. And it was hard.
No one has a crystal ball (at least that's what everyone likes to tell me about my pregnancy). It's annoying not to know where things will go or how something will be in a few months, or years from now. Try to remember that this goes for everyone in life and that the adventure of getting to the ultimate goal (of being married, etc.) is part of the fun.
I can relate. I have a very difficult time embracing and accepting the uncertainty in my life. I like having a plan, goals and knowing what's going to happen. It's hard to relinquish that control and just let life take its course.
The best advice I've received on the matter is: Life is a journey. You are being lead. Trust the path you're walking.
While it might not mean that much to you, it's definitely helped me to sort of calm down and welcome the uncertainty back into my life a bit. It's hard, but I'm really trying to trust and enjoy the journey.
e-hugs :)
I used to be exactly like you and then something happened (not really sure what!) and I realized that the excitement of life is not knowing what's going to happen. I think I just know that no matter what, I know how to make myself happy...it's totally in my control and whether I'm single, married, or whatever, I'm going to make sure I love my life.
I think what caused me to realize this is that I was in a relationship that was great, but he wasn't the guy for me....I think I wanted to know the future so bad that I stayed with him because it was a sure thing. Once we broke up I realized that I NEVER want to depend on anyone else for my happiness and that I have full control over it. I shouldn't settle for something just because I want to make sure my future is all set. It's such a great feeling to know that no matter what happens in your life, you can create your own happiness.
The 20s are definitely tough, but we'll get through them...probably too quickly and then we'll be worrying about the 30s!
"I don't want to get married right now, but I want to know that's where my life is headed." Can I just say, I think you know I'm right here with you. It's hard to think you might be wasting your time with a go-nowhere situation. But it seems like those are the risks we have to take. If you're not trying to get ready now and you love your boyfriend than stay with him, but if you start to feel differently and he doesn't, time to bail out and fast.
I see you've received a lot of good advice here, so I won't waste time repeating. Songs have always said it better than I could anyway. I think you should take a good listen to Trace Adkins' latest song "You're gonna miss this."
I totally feel you here! I am going through the same thing!! It seems to have settled a little since I graduated, moved to Chicago, and got a job. And I have a "plan" in my head of where I want to go. I jsut don't know how to get there! Once I went to a psychic to see if she could try to tell me something. I paid $40 to get my palm read, and all she told me was that I have a really long life line, and I am going to have 3 children! I don't recommend that, but take your time. We are still young and have plenty of time to figure it all out!
I'm the same way, in that I want to have a PLAN in place. I want a timeline, I want to be able to map out a path for my life.
Which, of course, is dumb, since things happen all the time and your life changes.
Still, it's always better when I can manage to go with the flow.
I am right there with you. I want some type of certainty of my future. I am getting married in 8 weeks - and the worrying doesn't stop. I know I'll have my husband with my through everything, but the uncertainty is still there of where we're going - what career, where we want to live, etc. It's so exhausting! I don't have great advice for you because I feel like I'm in the same boat! I just have faith that it will calm down eventually and I will be able to just be!
I sympathize with the whole control freak planner thing. I find what helps is to look around, notice what you have, be thankful for it, and remember where you used to be. 3 years ago, I never would have thought that now I'd be living with Billy in a house that I own, with our pets and all of our dreams. I just didn't see that being possible. I was worried about where I was going and what I was doing and how I was going to make it all work. I know that telling you to just "take it one day at a time" isn't going to help. But really Michelle, you have a wonderful thing going on. You've got a great condo (!), you are in love all over again (!!), and you have some great real-life and blog friends. Try not to worry so much. Let tomorrow deal with tomorrow...and all the days after that.
like you i worry about letting go and living my life "in the now" i mean its tough. i'm a control freak.
and it doesn't help that i have so many doubts going through my head right now.
my only advice to you would be to count your blessings. i know its corny and all but i mean its true. that is what usually helps me get out of a funk.
oh and BTW, i'm so glad i'm not the only one who thinks that about the unattractive girl with the engagement ring. i'm also think why not me too??!?
If I've learned anything in the past year, it's that you can never predict the future, and if you try? You'll most likely be wrong. I've adopted a new policy where I'm just going to worry about being happy this very minute, and not think about the next minute until it gets there. I do the things I want, not the things I think I'm supposed to do. I chase after things I would never have before. My breakup was the best thing that ever happened to me, and if I have any advice? Ride the frickin melt, my dear. Let things just happen. They will.
xoxox
I'm such a planner - to the point where I'm a bit neurotic. So I understand the self-reflection.
I would just focus on all of the good things in your life (it sounds like you have a lot) and the rest will fall into place.
that worrying? yeah thats me. I guess i stopped worrying so much about five years from now that i started to think "whats the next step..." so right now? i'm focusing on grad school and applying in the fall.
However, seeing all these girls getting engaged, and married and so many friends/old friends/not so close friends getting married (and my subsequent lack of invitations...:( bah!) makes me jealous. I never had the wedding fever till adam and i started dating. till we started thinking about our life together. and now? we've built it up and i'm just..anxious. and when i get anxious? it's just not pretty :(
i guess what i'm trying to say? I have no answers for you :( but i do know that sometimes, it's okay to not think about the future and where you're going to be when you're 30/35/40...sometimes? it's more fun to just take it day by day and enjoy living in the now.
I know exactly what you mean. I wonder that a lot... especially horrible people I know are getting married. Like by horrible I mean I can't imagine anyone wanting to marry them b/c they're so gross (lol). But I think it's just a matter of being happy in the moment and as long as you can do that, well, everything else doesn't matter.
You seem too smart to not make it, Michelle!
Michelle. Oh, Michelle.
First off, I think it's awesome that you're willing to put yourself out there like that. (I wear my heart on my sleeve, so I appreciate another girl who can be real.)
I can identify with you. I feel as though I'm always thinkinh, "When X happens, I'll be happy for real."
When I graduate, finish this paper, lose 5 lbs, get a new dress, move, get married, go to grad school, start a job, WHATEVER. I am never focusing on being present in the moment I'm in.
And I'll only be 23 for one year, I don't need to push myself any faster into the future.
I have no advice, only another "Yeah, me too." Let me know if you figure it out.
I am terrible about putting this stuff in perspective, I really am. Let me know if you find a solution.
Although, I do have to echo Ashley a bit. Sometimes I catch myself thinking that once AS and I are engaged/married, my life will REALLY start. I feel like that's really selling myself short. Our lives have started! We're living them!
I wish I had the perfect words to tell you to make that feeling go away, but all I can say is that I totally identify.
I'm focusing very hard on just being happy in the NOW, but for years I knew that if I could just be married to Colby, my life would settle into place. And now that I am married, I do feel so lucky, and happy, but now I'm constantly wondering what my next step should be.
I don't know if it's a "woman thing", or just a "woman who is desperate to have control over her life" thing, but I do know how hard it is to just let go and live life.
It helps to just cement yourself in the "now" instead of the "to come."
It takes some effort to get to a comfortable spot where you really only focus on the now - but it is well worth it.
It took my mom 50 years and she's been drilling it in my head to just take 5 steps back and relax a bit. Life is tooooo short to stress.
I spent the majority of my 20's really living. Not necessarily in the fast lane, but there were always a million things in my calendar to look forward to. No time to think.
And then, my late 20's hit. And I chose to slow down a bit. And, like you, I began to think. About what I'd done to date, what I want, but don't have, and how I wasn't going to get there.
At some point, I realized, the more you think about it. The more you strategize. The more you try to make it happen. The less likely things will fall into place the way you want them.
So, I went back to living. Enjoying the little things. And knowing eventually, even if it was at 40 or 50, I'd meet the love of my life. And you know what? It was during one of those non-thinking times I met my future-husband. At the age of 33. I'd say I did quite well.
My advice? Don't think so much. It's hard to live in the moment when everything seems to have fallen in place. But, it's one of those rare times of tranquility. Eat it up. Because at some point, sooner or later, things will change. They always do.
It's hard when everyone else around you is getting engaged and you're not yet, or even when people who have been dating for less time than you get engaged.
You really just have to remember that you're not engaged yet not becaude your boyfriend doesn't love you and doesn't want to marry you, but because it's just not time yet. For whatever reason, whether he's saving money for the perfect ring, or wants to make sure he is where he wants to be in life before he does so you two can have a nice life together, etc.
You just have to keep the jealousy in check, and remind yourelf that you have a wonderful relationship. Just because other couples are engaged doesn't mean that they have a better relationship than you. You never know what things look like on the other side of the fence. :)
I wish I could share some awe inspiring knowledge of the sorts, but I think I'm just as lost as you are these days. I don't want to get married any time soon, but I totally agree, I can't stop thinking about when lots of people I know are walking down the aisle already or just getting engaged, it's crazy!
My close friend is giving birth at the end of May and five of my other good friends are married. I feel no pressure. None.
Although, I think I need to have a shower for myself. Can people who are dating have showers? Hmm. I should post about that.
I totally understand where you are coming from. I was at that spot a year ago (although I was 36 at the time). My situation didn't turn out for the best, meaning I was dumped after 5 years. But as the Dalai Lama wrote, which I just re-read yesterday,“Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.”
Righ not my main concern or worry is my job. I know with about 90% certaintly that I will be getting laid off. Talk about how the hell do i live in the present without worrying too much about the future. I try to remind myself that there are steps I still can do TODAY that will help me in the future.
So, no real advice, just understanding.
Being in my twenties myself, 22, I know that feeling of "What am I doing? What's gonna happen next..am I making the right choices?". Its definitely hard to keep those fears down sometimes, but the main thing to remember is that things, somehow, always work out. Even when you see people in really bad situations, somehow they work out for the person if that person puts in some effort. That probably doesn't make the worrying lessen any, it doesn't for me, but sometimes I can back myself out of the panic-corner by just knowing that no matter what I will be ok.
The one thing I did want to mention, is that marriage will not be THE END to worries. Nor will it be complete and total security and satisfaction. I got married at 20, and I'm still just as insecure about life and my future as ever. I know who I am going to spend that life with, but I still don't know what I'm going to do in the long run as a career, if I'm making the right choices in many different things.
Also, why is it LOOKS that determine if a person is deserving of engagement? I wanted to bite my tongue, but that statement really got under my skin. I'm overweight, and as soon as I got a serious boyfriend..I got many of those comments from so-called friends who were thinner than myself. ELIZABETH has a boyfriend, and I dont?!?" Maybe it is because I have a decent personality, maybe I'm *gasp* interesting and smart enough that my terrible affliction of not looking like a supermodel was able to get around. It's obnoxious that you even THINK that way. I'm sorry that I'm being rude..but you seem like a smart and generally fun person, but maybe take a look at that. Also, not all twenty somethings are graduating college and "not ready" for marriage. People DO live differently than you.
Two of the best pieces of advice I ever received were on this subject, actually. So I am passing them on, please take with whatever grains of salt you deem necessary:
1) Heidi (or Michelle), just get over yourself. It -whatever "it" may be- is not that big of a deal, stop making it Dramatic.
2) Live one day at a time; try to live for today. This does not mean get crazy with drugs and male escorts because you're dying tomorrow, this means taking each day as it comes. I had a tendency to freak out about future events before they even happened, which of course, messes with the present. This is actually harder than it seems, but it is possible.
Loves!
xox
New reader. That said...
I've been there lots of times. I know exactly how you feel. And I think that when so much is going just right in our lives (i.e. like your job, awesome boyfriend, like where you live, etc.), we start to ponder "what else?"
I've always found it helpful to focus on the now/present because you don't have control over what will happen in the future. If you need a change now, then go for it. Enjoy your time today and think about tomorrow when it comes. If you have long term overall goals you want to set, then go ahead and do so and work on them day by day. Life is so short. Enjoy what you have now, work on what needs to be improved and just focus on the present.
Hope a little of this helps! Sending hugs. :)
I don't think it's ever possible for humans to live completely in the moment...I mean, we all have to plan ahead to a certain extent. However, to keep the focus off the distant future, it helps for me to have little things to look forward to: weekend trips, vacations, parties, and even smaller things like movies coming out this summer or recipes I want to try.
That way, even if I don't have a wedding in my future, and I'm not really sure where my career is going, I can at least think, "Yes! Sex and the City movie at the end of the month!"
My advice is to really look at what makes you uneasy and find out why. Delve down deep. What's causing this feeling? Don't be afraid to get your hands dirty. Dig it all up. Whatever it may be: Unresolved issues at work? Unresolved issues in your relationships (with family, boyfriend, friends)? A self-confidence issue? Have you been hurt in the past and afraid to make changes? ...once you figure that out, you can work on fixing the underlying issue.
No one and no-thing can /make you happy. Yes, those things can contribute, but if you're not happy with yourself, you could be married to the man of your dreams, have a wonderful career and everything your heart desires and still not be happy.
It *is* possible to be happy. And, once you really are, things will fall into place. You'll find a way. You're a strong woman.
Here's the key to the whole thing: It's *always* right now. It will never be tomorrow. Right now is all there is.
Good luck!
I was the worst waiter in the world in my 20s...truly disasterous. The one thing I wish I'd done? Lived as if I was sure my Mr. Right would arrive. I'd have had so much more fun in place of all that worry!
Girl, I'm 40 and I have the same issues. My husband calls me WCS. Worse Case Senario. I worry about what's going to happen. Then something happens and I move on. I think I am slowly discovering that life is the ride and not the end result.
Still doesn't help the wondering though.
I am SO a control freak. I've gotten much better about not freaking out about the future and enjoying what I'm going through now. But it's really difficult when things are going according to your "life plan" - this is exactly what I'm going through right now, so I hear ya girl. :)
Um.... this is what I have to look forward to when I graduate in a year and probably move to DC with my boyfriend (because that's where everyone in VA goes..)? Eek!
this is EXACTLY how i feel...any you've put it into some great words. so thanks for that. also, with the whole unattractive girl with a ring? that's me with said girls and boyfriends from time to time.
if it's any consolation? you appear to be put together...despite this turmoil inside. i think that speaks volumes about your character.
Live outside of your head. "Be here, now."
To quote John Lennon "Life is what happens when your busy making other plans." It would be great if we were all able to control our destiny, but we are not. You have so much of your life in front of you. Just roll with it.
The Girl from the Ghetto
You should relax. Your life is MOST DEFINITELY headed in the right direction. From what I've read from this post alone, you pretty much have everything that a 20something desires for. These are all good indicators of what is to come. Let me say this again: You're on the RIGHT track!!
Yup, I hear where your coming from. I deal with this a lot. And not only is it me worrying myself, I have my family worrying / kind of pressuring me. My advice: Communication. Talk to your boyfriend, tell him why you are worried, talk to a friend who has been where you are, blog it out!
*laughs* You can take comfort in knowing that your life, as uneasy as it is, is a thousand times more settled than mine? All I've got is a tentative idea of what's happening in the next few months.
Seriously though, I know it's so hard, but sometimes you just have to go with it. It's...a bit hard to trust in that, but you do what you can and have hope that someday, it makes sense.
i think every single gal in her twenties goes through those periods once [or several times]. what am i doing? where am i going? who am i going with? living in the moment is hard, possibly even harder, than say, living in the past. we just have to remind ourselves on a daily basis to be thankful for the way things are today, and quit worrying about the way they'll be tomorrow.
wow, I know I totally struggled with this before I got married. I still struggle with it regarding job stuff.
I think the key is that if there is something in your life you want to change (job, city, partner, etc), then try to work toward changing it. Goals are good. But if you are happy in general with the big things, then just try to enjoy it.
Getting married and being engaged is really fun, no doubt, but it WILL happen, and it will be fun when it does. Promise! But until then, life is good, right? I say drink more wine! lol
i come and go from this all the time as well. i always just wish it would stay away - but it tends to seep back in. if it's not one thing it's the other. i am always obssessing and trying to control something or another. i have to say though, there is no magic thing that happens that makes this all stop - it's an up and down thing. even though i have bought a house and i am getting married i still feel in a non-control, worried & stressed position.
Lots of good stuff...I may be repeating, but I like the saying: "Worrying is like a being in a rocking chair. It gives you something to do, but you never get anywhere." :o)
Ugh. Tim and I are hitting the 6 year mark this August and still have no plans to wed anytime soon.
I mean we both have our own excuses.
He wants to just be a fireman already and I want to finish my masters. But the more and more I think about it... who CARES.
I want to get married!!! NOW!!!!
Whew okay I think that was my yearly freak out.
:)
No, it's not a woman thing. It's a human thing.
I agree about the engagement thing. Do I want to get married now? No, but I too think about it wistfully. I think we're biologically inclined (tick tock) but more importantly, socially conditioned to want to get married.
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