Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Sssh It's A Secret

Well, as much of a secret as it can be when you post it on the world-wide web. Lately some friends of mine have shared their secrets. I think I'm ready to do the same. Bring on the judgement. Well, not hard OK? I'm very fragile nowadays. I might break.

  • Deep down I have been afraid Clancy was going to break up with me again ever since we got back together the first time.
  • I have been in relationships pretty much since I was 15 years old. Maybe this break will be a good thing for me even though I don't see it like that now.
  • One of the relationships I was in was with a girl.
  • Yes, I'm straight. Don't ask.
  • I've never been a very religious person, despite many years of Catholic schooling. However, once in awhile I feel the need to hope/wish/pray to something bigger than me.
  • I was a pretty bratty teenager. Especially with my mother. I regret how I treated her at times.
  • I keep postponing writing this BBC review, because I have yet to start the logo. I have every intention of doing it, my mind just keeps wandering to the pathetic state my life is in.
  • I have trust issues because up until my relationship with Clancy I was never completely open and honest with anyone I loved. That's why letting go of this one is so hard.
  • I have thought about how my name would sound in combination with his. It had a nice ring to it.
  • I have never flown on a plane, but might on a whim, fly to California in a few weeks.
  • I've lost touch with some of the best friends I've ever had. This makes me sad, especially now.
  • I wish some of the people I've met online I knew in real life. For some reason I feel they understand and care about what I'm going through and could help me get through this better than some of my real life friends.
  • I called Clancy's mom the other day. For the simple fact that I was really sad I may never talk to her again. (Oh and that I have some books she let me borrow)
  • I have also called my parents every. day. (sometimes more than once) and just cried since he dumped me.
  • We would be leaving for Nashville tomorrow on a trip I had been so looking forward to, but rather Clancy will be out at a rap concert where I'm sure many gorgeous ladies will be. This breaks my heart.
  • I wish we could have sex. Just one more time.
  • I'm a little worried about my brother's situation. He's still young and that is so much responsibility for him to take on so early in life.
  • I still have baby pictures of an ex boyfriend. Not because I want to keep them, I just feel bad throwing them away.
  • I've been known to eat Cool Whip right out of the container with a spoon.
  • I CAN'T stop calling him. Sometimes I call just to hear his voice on his voicemail and hang up.
  • I'm happy that my parents are divorced. There, I said it. While it devastated me for the first year or more, the relationships I have with them now, separately, are SO much better.
  • I hope that one day he will love me again. I just hope it's not too late.


Miriam said...

I must ask, have you been working on this or did you just come up with it off the top of your head. If so you are much more creative than I. It would take me a week to think up 10 secrets.

And dude, we will one day know each other in real life. Just as soon as i decide to get up to Ohio.

Tina Vaziri said...

I'm really happy my parents are divorced too. They are completely different people since that happened and everyone is so much happier.

libby said...

ahh i've been dying to read your review - lol. i STILL haven't gotten that book from the library (i have it on hold).

HUGS wish i could be there for you in person, but as it is, i'm here for you in the comments :P

DG said...

I understand that you are hoping he will love you again, but there's a reason for everything. And if he doesn't come to his senses, well then there are SOO many better men out there that will love you and respect you the way you deserve. XOXO

Michelle said...


Have no fears on that one. I'll eat about anything out of a tub with a spoon.

onebigholiday said...

I agree with DG. As much as I hate saying, there is a reason for everything...it really is true. One day you will look back at this moment where you were hurt and sad ....and you will realize that it made you stronger.

My favorite quote- One day he is going to realize how much he loves you, and when he does... she's going to wake up next to the guy who already knew

Jess said...

This is beautiful. I'm glad you've come to terms with your parents' divorce. I'm still struggling with coming to terms with my own parents' issues.

Princess Pointful said...

Great post. As I've said on the other secrets posts, seeing the real stories of people, rather than just the glossed over nice versions, makes me like them even more. We all have these secrets, so it makes you feel that much less alone when you hear others say them out loud (write them out loud?).

Don't let the fact that you trusted Clancy and he hurt you so badly jade you. One of the most wonderful things in the world is how people can still trust the right person despite having been hurt before (be smart, of course, but don't let this scare you from loving again).

Once the pain starts numbing, this will be a good time for you to find yourself. That's why you so should hop on a plane to Cali this weekend- do the fun things single people can do!

Slightly Disorganized said...

Damn straight you're getting on a plane. and when you get here?

We will do whatever you want, whether that is crying and drowning your sorrows in a bottle of wine, or having a kickass time all over LA (to also include wine.)

Either way, wine will be involved, and you WILL have a good time.

grungedandy said...

When we break we grow back stronger and harder to break, more flexible. I swear to you, when one door closes another opens, you may not see it now (or even want it) but something better will come of this.
It’s hard to let go when you love the family as well as the man, remember it’s going to be hard for them too.
Break up sex isn’t all it’s made up to be, it can leave you feeling used, sex is the glue in relationships (which is why relationships that don’t have sex eventually can fall apart) it’s you’re call but it can make you feel worse believe me.
Ok better go – my heart is still aching there along with yours Seeya hugya *G*

Lisa said...

Seriously, I really think we're all going to eventually meet up. Maybe all at once! THAT WOULD BE AWESOME.

I went to a catholic school for what, 14 years? And I'm not very religious either!

Where we differ is that I've been in two relationships EVER. One was 5 weeks, one was 2 weeks. When I was 20 and 18 respectively. It's weird, I know.

brandy said...

I'm sorry you are going through all of this. I've did this post a secret-esque post in the past and found it really comforting to share stuff that I hadn't realized I wanted to say. I hope it did the same for you.

Oh, and about wanting to have sex one more time? I did it. And it's not good. Really. I promise.

QueenBee said...

I'm flying to Knoxville, TN in the middle of Nov, and I'm uber nervous. I've flown once before, and that was an hour long flight and I was so sick I thought I was going to die.

You're an amazing person. I say forget about Clancy. I know it'll take a while, but you don't want someone who can say goodbye to you and not feel like he's going to die. You deserve better. It'll be a long, hard journey for sure, but in the end, you'll be happier. I know I've only said this a million hundred times before, but I'm here for you. Always.

Jenni said...

Ok...so I have lots of comments about this post.

*The ex boy and I almost broke up about 2 years ago...and for the past 2 years I've been completely afraid it would happen again...and I guess my intuition was right.

*I think you should come to Seattle & visit...then we could be 'real life' friends! :)

*Even if you have the opportunity to have sex with him one last time...don't do it. Believe me! It makes it SO much harder.

*Have you ever eaten frozen chocolate Cool Whip? Yum!

*STOP calling him! I mean that in a nice way! :)

Hope you're doing ok. :)

L Sass said...

What awesome secrets.

And, "here here" to Jenni--stop calling him! Tough love.

When I had my heart broken, I called my parents every day for almost 2 months. It was slightly pathetic, but if you can't be pathetic in front of your parents, when can you be?

Marriage-101 said...

You've got way more guts than me! This was awesome by the way.

And where in OH do you live? I'm going there for Christmas, but I guarantee I probably won't be anywhere near you as I will be chillin with the hillbillies. But still would like to know, in case I need reasons to move.

And don't be ashamed of #5 (or any of them really). Do what feels right.

And, if you ever want someone else to call, just so you can give everyone else a break (I kid!) feel free to call me. I'm stellar listener. :)

mcgee said...

if you do, on that whim, fly to california in a few weeks, i hope it'll be near the bay area, and i hope i can take you out for a much-deserved drink!

sweetanemone said...

haha i call my mum every day and i'm not nearly in your boat... i'm sure yours doesn't mind, that's what mums are there for! :)

and i second the don't do break up sex (it really does make it worse) and you should also ban yourself from the phone... seriously... it kills you at first but then it just makes everything soooooo much easier. big move i know but one that is totally worthwhile.

and make that trip to california! ASAP! :)


rachel said...


I hate those hearts usually, but it's all that is appropriate.

Julie Q said...

wow big props to you feel spilling your secrets. I'm kinda a wimp with that stuff, but maybe one of these days I'll get around to it.

One secret? Whenever I'm in heels walking down the street, I always think of America's Next Top Model and how Miss J & Tyra would judge my walk. Am I a model, hells no!

nancypearlwannabe said...

These are great.

My Mom was the only person that made me feel the least bit better after my last messy breakup. All she had to do was sit with me and I felt better.

I also eat Cool Whip with a spoon. And peanut butter as well. Not at the same time.

Epic said...

The things you said about Clancy... I think about T. Especially since he's started calling lately to chat. Like we're friends. Like he doesn't know that that is so not okay because of how much he hurt me. And also because he already has a new girlfriend.

ana said...

Men, ah how we hate to love them...But the phone, seriously you must stop yourself from calling him, its self torture. If he doesn't pick up, you'll feel terrible, if he does and sounds aloof, you'll feel terrible, and if you get a busy tone, your mind's monologue will drive you crazy....

and yes, do make that trip to california, and when you do, let's have a drink together, or two...:)

The Lisa Show said...

Hi, fellow ex Catholic school girl. I think the nuns have turned me off religion for good. If you ever feel crazy enough to run to the other side of the world, you know who to call. I have a spare bedroom, and I'm so straight it hurts.

cdp said...

Hi, me three on the Catholic school!

I would say that I want to meet you too, but I have decided that I definitely WILL, and am putting it on my list of things to look forward to.

It's okay to cry, it's okay to be sad about girls at concerts, it's okay to call mom and dad, it's okay to want to hear his voice.

Being sad is okay, sweetie. But being you? Unbelievably fabulous.

Hang in there. xoxo

Samantha said...

I have baby pictures of an ex-boyfriend too and I've kept them for the same reason...

{{{hugs}}} to you

Samantha said...

I have baby pictures of an ex-boyfriend too and I've kept them for the same reason...

{{{hugs}}} to you

Anonymous said...

i heart you!

know that you have ONE great cheerleader cheering for you on the west coast!

you are going to be OK. i know, not so easy to hear. but really, you deserve SOO much better.


Anonymous said...

i heart you!

know that you have ONE great cheerleader cheering for you on the west coast!

you are going to be OK. i know, not so easy to hear. but really, you deserve SOO much better.


La said...

I so wish we were friends in real life, and then we could hang out and eat cool whip together, because I do that, like, oh, every single day. Also peanut butter. But um? You SO will get through this. I know how hard it is, but know that we're all here for you, only an email away!


molly said...

I love your secrets and would never judge :)

elysa said...

Getting your secrets out is a great way to make you feel better. Some of your blogging friends wish we knew you in real life too!

kwarterlifecrisis said...

What Molly said. We all bare our souls from time to time on our blogs and therefore nobody is allowed to judge anybody else. Or I will kick his/her ass. :)

christa said...

i think everyone should eat cool whip out of the container. i usually use my finger - but sometimes i am civilized and use the spoon!

miss you much!

CharCharBinx said...

Found your bloggy thru other secret post and my heart broke. It will get better sweet girl.
Must love Dogs - watch it! "I have a theory -i think your heart grows back bigger. The universe lets your heart expand that way, thats the function of all this pain and heartache you go through."
Stop calling - grieve blog and grow. He cant say he will still love and care when he didnt care enough to create that future. Create your own now. Hugs.

Ripe for Reading said...

My heart is sad for you, but you will get stronger and learn more about yourself during this ordeal. I promise something good will come of all of this. Hang in there!

She Likes Purple said...

Be proud of yourself for being so honest. Gosh, so many people can't do the same.

And your name will have a lovely ring with whoever's name is lucky enough to be paired with it.