Monday, October 29, 2007

My Moment Of Weakness

Wow - what an honor! This post was featured on Indie Bloggers!

I have been crushed. Flattened, broken, shattered. Emotionally crippled. By someone who loves me? I want to move on need to move on. But the pain is stifling, debilitating. The constant churning in my stomach refuses to go away. I have hit a weight I haven't seen since before the freshman fifteen knocked on my door. Negativity, pessimism and plain old sadness have taken over my every waking thought. I am numb to feelings of happiness. I lie awake in a strange room asking why. Over and over again. Knowing that no answer will suffice. He is lying in the comfort of our his home. I imagine his face: eyes closed, lips pursed, slow and steady breaths, fast asleep [in our bed]. That which once was my comfort, my rock is so far away. Physically and emotionally. He has moved on without me. No matter how hard I try, I will never catch him. Never again.

I let the water wash over me. As it slid down my face it hid my tears. They fell in droves. Unheard and unforgiving. No candle is lit outside the door on this cold morning. That is just a memory. But I can still smell its sweetness, pink lemonade. I wrap myself up, trying to keep warm. I'm not sure whether the shivering is from the rush of cold air or the reality of everything, my nerves. I crawl under the covers, lay my head down and remember. Remember what it was like to turn my head and see his lying beside it. Running my fingers through the dark spikes, rousing him awake. Kissing his tattooed shoulders, thankful that he's mine. Getting those few extra hours of sleep on Sunday mornings hoping the dogs can hold it for just a little while longer.

But I get up. Leaving evidence of my moment of weakness on the now damp pillow. Pink. The one that was "mine". Will someone else rest their head there someday? Knowing the answer I leave the room. Muddling through the rest of my morning in a haze. Arriving at work safe and sound, but wondering how I got there. Will he remember me always? Will it be a fond memory? I can only hope.


And thanks Sarah. Soon I will have your strength, my friend. Soon.

38 comments:

Miriam said...

God, I just want to give you a big (real) hug right now. I'm so sorry sweetie. I don't even know what to do right now. Arg. I wish I did.

Slightly Disorganized said...

you're doing great. :)

La said...

Ditto on the giant hugs. I know it's horrible, but you'll get through it in time. xox

She Likes Purple said...

I'd totally give you a hug myself. And buy you large quantities of tequila. Or shoes. Or both.

dreamgrrl said...

aw you poor thing, but listen - writing all this out is SO good for you. you can look back here in 6mos, 1 year, HOWEVER long it takes you to say "wow im really over this" and it will feel so good. youre strong you can do it!

Jess said...

I think the line "But I get up" is so telling here. You are doing so well. I am so impressed. I'm adding more virtual hugs to the mix.

Margo said...

Someone WILL rest their head on your pillow someday, and it's great that you recognize that even though it hurts so much that that someone may not be the one you want it to be right now. Keep yourself surrounded by your friends...it's times like these when it's so nice to be reminded just how much they truly, unconditionally love you.

Tina Vaziri said...

You're already finding your strengths. Keep at it, I know you can do it. Huuug!

Samantha said...

You are a beautiful person! How can someone not want to rest their head next to you someday? Of course they will! {{{HUGS}}}

molly said...

You're getting there slowly! Hugs!

blogging said...

slowly but surely honey. breathe in, breathe out.

::hugs::

heart. you.

Katelin said...

aw you'll get through it. i agree with margo, get your friends around,they always help and are usually great huggers. :)

Angela said...

Honestly, I think you are doing so well--you're still waking up every morning and the fact that you're still hurting doesn't mean that there is anything wrong with you. Just keep getting up over and over again and eventually it will start to feel easier, and then one day you won't even think about it anymore.

mcgee said...

every day will get a little easier...*hugs*

The Lisa Show said...

You're doing a great job already. I promise you it's going to get better. Because I am all-knowing like that. Heh. Heart you, girl.

Clink said...

I agree that you're doing a great job already.

This shit? Not easy. Not easy at all.

sassafras said...

I'm not really sure what to write but I was so touched by this post that I had to write something.

Keep writing...you are already getting through this.

Lisa said...

keep going :)

love

ana said...

Nobody told you it was going to be easy.
But you have exhibited such strength through it, its commendable.
Just hang in there, go through the days as a zombie if it helps to be numb,
Someday soon, life will be rosy again, take our collective word for it.
*hugs

elysa said...

I agree with Sarah, you may not be able to see past the end of the day right now but there is light at the end of the dark sad tunnel. You are stronger than you think. Everything you are experiencing is so normal. It may not seem like it now but one day you will be able to look back and laugh and think how much he missed out on in his life because he missed being with you. His loss!
Think of Finding Nemo just keep swimming just keep swimming.

L Sass said...

Every day, wake up and say to yourself "I'm getting through this, I'm getting through this." Say it when you don't believe it. Say it until it's true.

You will get through it. You are getting through this.

HUGS.

thecasualperfectionist.com said...

Just wanted to let you know that I'm thinking about you...

tshirtandjeans said...

i think the reason you're hurting so much, other than the obvious reasons, is that you're being forced to realize Clancy wasn't the guy you thought he was, or more importantly, the guy you need and deserve. you wanted so badly for him to be the "one" and it's really damaging to find out that the person you swore was the one-and-only is walking away from you, and by default, he can't be the "one" then if he's willing to walk away physically and emotionally so soon. i think the worst part of breakups like these is the realization that the person you thought you loved wasn't really that person if they can change so quickly.

it's going to hurt like hell for awhile, but soon it'll be a dull ache, and soon you'll only think of him at random times. and then someone else completely perfect for you will come along and make you realize that this time you're going through now was totally worth it, because it'll make you appreciate him that much more.

Julie Q said...

[hugs] from boston :)

tshirtandjeans said...

i want to reply to your comment on my blog and i'm still trying to figure out if i should reply on here or on my own blog and whether you'll see it if it's on my own blog... lol

anyway, i could've sworn you knew me with long hair. i didn't chop it all off until about november our senior year, and you knew me before that, right?! i have a horrible memory. but i swear you knew me with long hair, though all i did was pull it into a ponytail so it probably looked like i had no hair regardless....

:)

libby said...

you should know that i'm so so proud of your for being so strong.

heart.

Ashley said...

Keep your chin up and just keep going! huge hugs! xoxo

sweetanemone said...

i second everything posted here. big hugs! xx

*kb* said...

:-( Michelle...I know it's hard to believe and you probably want to tell us all to shut the hell up, but you are doing it and you are going forward and for that you should be proud. Be good to yourself! :-) *kb*

Anonymous said...

Even though I have no clue who you are, I wanted to share my story with you, as inspiration.BTW,yes, since I've been there before, I know how much you hate to hear words of inspirations and someone else's story, but SOMETIMES it can make you feel better.:o)

I was dumped,out of the blue, by my fiance, two years ago, just a few months after having surgery...AND after moving to Wyoming from Texas to be with him(since he's in the Air Force and got stationed there).

We were together three years. When he called off the engagement he admitted he simply didn't think he could love me forever. He said that's all he could think of doing for the three years I was with them, and then for some reason things changed. My life turned upside down, I had to quit the job I loved, move back to Texas, move in with my parents for a while and start my life over.

There were days and nights for months, I would cry so hard I would physically get to the point I couldn't breathe anymore. I believe in God, so I would cry and ask God, why? Why didn't we work out?Why don't we belong together?What did I do wrong?When will I stop hurting?Sometimes it would hurt so bad, I would just lay on my living room floor holding myself and crying.

But here's the thing that kept me going....I would hug myself and remind myself to have faith.Faith that maybe things simply weren't meant to be. I don't want to ever settle or be with someone who doesn't want me. I told myself, that if I didn't keep having faith that someone else would come along, then it wouldn't happen.

Now, this February it will be two years later,and he and I are friends.We're able to hang out and talk to each other occasionally.No, I haven't found another love yet, but I believe I will.

You have to,too. Remember, there are SO many people in this world that care about you, and see your wonderful traits. Not many people comment on them, but that doesn't mean they don't notice them!

Some man out there WILL appreciate and cherish you.:o)

Remember to cry and to laugh. Do the dumb,childish things that made you happy as a kid,like doing cartwheels and having slumber parties.:o)

DG said...

Hang in there sweety. I promise, it WILL get better.

AJ said...

Congratulations on a beautifully crafted post.

ditto re hang in there.

The only way is up (hang on, I think that is a lyric!!)

take care of yourself x

Princess Extraordinaire said...

Michelle you are an amzing woman who has such stregnth and integrity to post all of what you're going through - just know that there will be someone else lying next to you one day who will not only pick up the peices of yor broken heatrt but create a heart separtate of the one you're holding onto now - a pkace where you will feel happy and alive again - until then we are all here for you and love you....

cdp said...

Sweetie. This made me cry. I adore you so much and I would love nothing more than to have some magic words to make you feel all better. Please know that I'm thinking of you often and holding you close to my heart.

xoxo

All Mod Cons said...

I think I picked a low moment to drop by your blog.

I really really feel for you. Doesn't make it any better that people say that. "Plenty more fish in the sea" is what I was told. "F*** off" was the response.

Time is a great healer apparently. Personally I think that's another saying that's a pile of dung. Really hope you feel better soon.

Princess Pointful said...

Beautiful post, I have nothing more profound to say than that :)

rachel said...

For some reason I missed these yesterday and today.

I am so sorry honey... this made me cry. I know your pain is deep. Do what you need to to move on from it.

Gisela said...

It's okay to feel sad right now. Looks like you are doing well though. Expect your emotions to fluctuate...from happy to sad...

The book, "The Girls' Guide to Surviving a Break-Up" by Delphine Hirsh is a funny, interesting read to pass the time through this difficult time.